Building Kingdomes

Courtesy of: http://bullybusteroc.wordpress.com/

So it has been such a long time since I have written anything on my blog, and I realize that it's because well I have been too busy to find anything to inspire me to write. Today however that has changed. It was a normal day for me, I just went to work, came home, took the dog for a walk held my boyfriends hand, gave him a kiss, and thought to myself. Wow I am absolutely lucky to be where I am right now. Its been a few days since I checked my facebook and I thought, well I should go on there and let some people know I am still alive. When I logged on my facebook was flooded with post's about this fifteen year old girl named Amanda Todd. She had committed suicide due to bullying. So I watched the video that she posted on you-tube about five months ago ( can be found here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ocvs5kNDSs ) and it made me even more grateful for my life that I have now; because I was exactly where she was when I was fifteen.

My entire childhood I was picked on. I got made fun of because I was over weight. My nick name in elementary school was Hamsina. It also was something that got carried over, even after I moved and years later resurfaced when someone that I never met in my life asked me 'hey didn't they call you Hamsina back in elementary?" Uh ya and who the eff are you? I got called a human cannon ball when I played basketball because I was more chubby than any other kid on the team. I got called No Neck Mcgee because well I guess it looked like I had no neck. One time in gym class this girl hid my pants and switched them out with different pants from the lost and found. Then when i asked where my pants were they all started laughing and she walked up to me and said "those are your pants, they have the stretch band, no other girl here needs the stretch band." Then for the rest of the day I was the laughing stock of the school for wearing pants from the lost and found. This is only some of the stuff I went through.

Every day I would go home and cry because I felt like no one liked me. I felt like the only friends I had were my friends because they wanted something from me. Even though I really had nothing to give. I remember getting into screaming matched with my mom and telling her that I was going to kill myself, and one day she would come home to find me dead. Even told her where she would find me. One day I even wrote that letter, thank god it never got delivered.

If we as teenagers even knew how little that part of out life was. How miniscule all that time in school was to the rest of our lives. Bullies would have no control of our minds and our feelings because in ten years from that time. They wont even matter. They will be a blip on the radar, that we remember but also forget.  We remember because we don't want to forget how cruel some people really are, and how they made us  strong in the end. We forget because we don't want to remember the pain they ensued apon us. Maybe this is my mission in life to help develop a way to reduce bulling, or to help kids who are victims of it. Just maybe.

My point is I know how this girl felt, I felt what she felt. Amanda Todd deserved a life outside of the heartache that she knew, and that she grew up to know. Amanda didn't have a chance to feel anything other than pain because people would never let her forget. Every time that I hear of a teenager killing themselves due to bullying it makes me feel like I could have saved them because I was saved. R.I.P Amanda Todd. From what I have read you truly were loved, and are missed.





For anyone affected by bullies. I leave you with this. It always helped me.

"Simon"
By: Lifehouse

Catch your breath,
Hit the wall,
Scream out loud,
As you start to crawl
Back in your cage
The only place
Where they will
Leave you alone.
'Cause the weak will
Seek the weaker til they've broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defense;
They tore it down.

[Chorus:]
And I have felt the same as you,
I've felt the same as you,
I've felt the same.

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.

The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,
when they pushed you around?
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.

[Chorus]

Refuse to feel anything at all,
Refuse to slip,
Refuse to fall.
Can't be weak,
Can't stand still,
You watch your back 'cause no one will.
You don't know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don't believe the lies
That they have told to you. Not one word was true
you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

[Chorus]

http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/Teens/Home.aspx

The Pursuit of Happiness

Well I just turned twenty-four recently, I’m close to the quarter century mark, yea laugh it up I’m pretty sure most of you reading this are closer to a half century. Oh yea I said it! Anyways It took me a long time to get here. Lots of changes that I went through to make it here alive, some very good ones, and some not so good ones. However they all got me here, and I wouldn't change any of them for the world. Today I woke up, and I realized something, I am happy. I am really happy, and to be quite honest I can’t remember the last time I felt this way.

I finally see that, and I am accepting that I’m creating my own happiness. I no longer am waiting for something to just happen. I get up every single day with a purpose and that purpose is to just be me. To do what I want with my life and with what I have available to me. Most of my life I tried to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be, and the more that I look back at it now the more that I see everyone really just wanted me to be myself. The people that mattered anyway.

People seem to think that you have to chase happiness, that you have to find it. Much like people seem to think that you have to “find yourself”. You can’t find happiness, happiness finds you. It’s much like anything that you want, the more you seem to want it, and the more you seem to search for it,  the more it just falls away from you.  Then once you stop searching and stop digging for that ultimate “happy high” that’s when you find it, and that’s where it’s waiting for you.

I once told someone I needed to find myself to be happy. Once I find myself and figure out who I am then all my happiness will fall into place. What I didn’t understand is that you DONOT find yourself you CREATE yourself. To find something means that it was once lost. I don’t really believe that we ever “lose” ourselves. Now when I look at it I see that every human being is a blank canvas and every person is their own artist. We have the power to create who we are, to be our own Leonardo, and make our life, our own Mona Lisa Smile. Everything we do, we created, and every choice we make we decided; because at one point everything we did was exactly what we wanted.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. That our life changes so that we can learn to change, to make that adjustment, or to throw on the paint thinner and start all over. I believe that people change so that we can learn it’s okay to let go. No matter how hard it is, because if they have changed it means you also have changed. Everything in your life has a purpose, and it’s purpose is to help you create your best masterpiece of all. Yourself. 

Dreams DO Come True

I thought to myself take a deep breath. Smell the air, the fresh pine of the forest, the salt with the water. Feel the wind run its fingers through your hair; hear how it whispers in your ear, and know how it's soft touch makes you smile. Feel the fast beating of your heart, the clammy feeling in your hands, and know that this is all because you are finally here, in a place where if you're careful your dreams will come true. Look bellow at the beautiful bright lights and how they wonderfully twinkle at night. Look at the buildings so high they could almost touch the heavens. Feel the excitement In the jungle of fast paced cars and honking delivery trucks. Feel the warmth of a friendly strangers hello, and waving smile. Hear the fog horns of huge cargo ships, and imagine the calm steadiness of the sail boats. See the spotlight of the lighthouse out in the unknown depths of the brainy deep. Stand barefoot with sand between your toes, and cool water washing over your feet. Hear the waves crashing against the shores, and always remember how this feeling has only ever come a few times before.

It's the feeling you get on the very first day you've ever gone to school. That feeling in the split second of thought right before your very first kiss, and the very first time you say I love you while actually meaning it. When nervous is good. When clammy hands means changing hearts. That point when you realize that one of your biggest dreams has come true.

I never thought life would take me here this fast. To this place; and yet as I stand a top this mountain looking down bellow. I know, in my heart. This; is what I was born for. This. IS, my city.

Dream what you live; live what you dream.

Looking at where my life is and also at others around me. I constantly question if we truly ever get life right. Can people be genuine, and does happiness ever last more then a moment? Maybe as people we all have too high of standards which allows the little things to easily upset us, and people to disappoint us. I know personally I never allow people in. That my walls are high and my trust even higher. I do know that once I let you in I never want to let you go. I have learnt this past year that people cannot make me happy. I cannot rely on one person for all my happiness because when they're gone you're well... screwed. You and you alone are the soul creator for your happiness. I think as humans we let other peoples ideals and values affect us too much. Sometimes when its broken it's just broken. Then letting go is even harder.

Someone once said to me "I am a bad person; damaged goods that no one wants.: My response to this was "If you seriously see yourself that way then that's how the whole world will see you. You're not damaged; why do you think that?" It took a while for my friend to respond and finally it was said "Well I am unhappy. I don't have anyone, and I want to start my life." When I was having this conversation a few years ago; I never really knew what to say. If I was put in this situation again I would have responded with "Why do you need someone to start your life? Don't let being damaged stop you from living." We all know this and yet we allow it to affect us anyway.

It is such a common misconception that we need someone or something in our life to make us happy. Just like its a common misconception that human beings were meant to be connivers when our human biology is much closer to that of a deer than a wolf. Also when have you ever seen a monkey eat meat? I know I haven't. Anyways back to my point. As humans we are supposed to have interaction with each other on a social and physical level; but to say that one person has complete control over your happiness and well being is a complete load of crock. As humans we have something known as free will and that co-insides with each individual persons happiness.

  

It took me a long time to realize this. For a lot of my life I always relied on others for my happiness. Not taking responsibility for my actions and pretty much just going with the flow. I was what some people (now me included) would call directionless. I had no sense of direction. A trait I now despise in others. However over the past three or so odd years I have done a lot of growing up. I've become more independent and in some cases more trusting. It's always been hard for me to let people in. To open up and show them the real me. Then once I do it's even harder for me to let go. I have lost a few good friends in the past three years including a boyfriend. Every time it was like a bomb going off sending me scattered in a million pieces. I let you in and you had the audacity to do what you did to me! How could you?! After many long drawn out goodbyes (mostly on my part) I blamed them for my unhappiness when really I should have only blamed myself.

I think we tend to hold on to the past for so long that it blocks us from seeing the good that's calling our name.(Hello Hansina, yes it's me good. Right; nope a little over to the left. Too far just back to the right a bit. OK. There Hi. I'm the present; Good. Nice to meet you.) It's staring us right in the face; telling us its okay. Move on; come with me and we will be happy. Just keep moving. It shows us that we are all equal in the evil and beauty we are capable of producing. It's just a matter of what you personally choose to produce more of. If you produce more beauty, warmth, and positivity you will find happiness. Just open your eyes, and don't ignore what matters most. Always let your heart defy your logic. Remember if you are damaged than everyone else around you is damaged in there own way as well. Rise Against really did have it right when they wrote "Life for you, has been less than kind. So take a number, stand in line. We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt; but how we survive is what makes us who we are."

Never let being damaged ruin your future happiness. Learn to smile. Smile and laugh. Tell someone I love you; it will feel really good I promise. Learn to forgive; but never forget. Just let go. Have hope While having faith. Learn to trust. Make a bucket list. Cross something off said bucket list. Never regret. Give up. Lose yourself. Find your way back. Give someone a chance. Say yes. Cry. Dance. Be happy. Become the person you want to be. Don't stop dreaming; because there is nothing wrong with wanting more. Chase the rain. Be strong. Fight your fears. Time machines don't exist. Learn to walk away. Learn that sometimes; you can only blame yourself. Don't waist another second. Do what you love to do. Also always remember. Discover the person you are; before you find the person you need to be with. Live, live, live. From this day forward my dreams start now; and everyday will be the most important day. Dream what you live; live what you dream.

I am an Honorarian

Okay some of you know I have been having some pretty weird dreams; well actually nightmares lately. The last one I had was a few days ago and lets just say it scared me so much that when I awoke at five AM I couldn’t fall back to sleep till around eight AM. Don’t you hate those nightmares that feel so real when you wake up it is almost as if you experienced it in real life? Well this one was one of those “reality” nightmares.

In My dream my sister and I were going over to our friends place when we got there we go to our rooms set up for the night and then retired to the living room for the evening. Everyone decided that we were going to watch a horror movie. (This movie was not one that exists in real life or that I have ever even thought of writing a screen play for.) When I heard that we were watching this movie I got this overwhelming scared feeling in my stomach. For whatever reason I could not believe that we were going to be watching this movie. As the movie began I sat on the couch with my hands over my eyes. Then for whatever reason curiosity got the best of me and I decided that I would look at the screen. As I am taking my hands off my eyes I am jolted in to the movie, and I am standing outside a bedroom door. I see this boy (who is the main character in the movie) get thrown against the wall by some unknown force. These two long screws come out of the wall through the back of this boys head and out through his eyes. They start spinning around as if they were attached to a drill gun; which sends blood flying everywhere. Next thing I see this happen to his mom. His mom is also thrown against the wall and screws start coming out into various places of her body including her eyes. The screws start spinning around and now I am splattered with their blood. All of a sudden I am in a classroom. I look around and I see the boy from the movie sitting in the desk next to me. I go to say something then everyone’s head is shaking form side to side at hyper speed which makes their faces all blurry then I can’t recognize anyone. The heads all stop at the same time and they are all “looking” at me; but yet all of their faces are still blurry. I notice that they all have this symbol in what appears to be blood written on their forehead (see picture below) Then I am back in my friends living room with my sister who is crying. She looks at me and says “Something is really wrong; I am sleeping with you tonight.” Then my friend’s dog comes trotting over to me happy as can be licks my hand, and I pet her. Then I wake up.

Can you see why I didn’t go back to sleep for hours? When I awoke I was so terrified and curious as to why my subconscious would cause me to have such a screwed up dream. What was this about, and what on earth would posses me to have this horrifying nightmare. Since I couldn’t go back to sleep I had this sense of curiosity that I needed to know more about my dream, and now. So I grabbed my computer went to dreammoods.com and went to look up important things about my dream. Here is what I found out.

Now when you interpret your dream you have to pick out the most important things that seem to stick out to you more so than anything else. So for me that would be:

·        Being in the movie

·        Extremely scared

·        Bleeding eyes

·        Blood

·        Faceless people

·        The symbol

·        My sister

·        The dog

Movie: To dream you are apart of a movie foretells that something form your unconscious is about to emerge or be revealed. Alternatively the dream may be pointing you towards a new life role. And your unconscious is preparing you for this role.

Scared: Indicates you are experiencing feelings of self doubt, incompetence, and lack of control in your waking life. Maybe having second thoughts about a decision you have made.

Bleeding Eyes: Symbolizes the sacrifices you have made and the difficulties you have endured. Alternatively the dream signifies some very deep internal conflict with in your soul.

Blood: Represents life, love, passion, and as well as disappointments. If something is written in blood then it represents the energy you have put into something. You have invested so much time and effort into something you are not willing to give up on. If others are bleeding it signifies an emotional cry for help.

Faceless: To see faceless people indicates that you are still searching for your own identity and finding out who you are.

The Symbol: Is the symbol of “Honorarianism” is two circles or rings locked together symbolizing the eternal link between life and death. One ring lies flat and the other is rotated 90 degrees so that it resembles a flat line.

Sister: Symbolizes some aspect of your relationship with her whether one of rivalry, nurturance, protectiveness, etc. Alternatively your sister could be a metaphor for a nun. In this case; she may represent some spiritual issues

Dog: Symbolizes loyalty, intuition, generosity, protection, and fidelity. Suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to move forward and bring success to yourself.

After I had found all of these definitions I still needed to figure out what that symbol meant. Thank goodness for Google. Okay so I go to Google and type in; “circle symbol with a line coming from the center outwards.” I click on images and find the picture of the symbol that I have already posted above. Now remember I have NEVER seen this symbol in my entire life before this dream; I swear. After I click on the image I am taken to this site called The Church of Honor. A blog dedicated to spreading the word of a new religion called “Honorarianism.” Also known as the Church of Honor.

I start thinking to myself okay this is pretty freaky. I have never seen this symbol before in my entire life and now it means some religious type bull that I probably do not even believe in. Not to mention how my dream is now making me think of some creepy stigmata crap; only thank goodness when I awoke I wasn’t blind with bleeding eyeballs. *Shudders* the whole stigmata hand scene was enough reality for me thanks. I still get shivers thinking about it. Even though I think this will be completely irrelevant to me I continue to read on; the whole time asking the question what the heck does my unconscious mind want me to know about this? This is what I read next:

The 5 pillars of “Honorarianism” are:

1. Strive to respect, honor and celebrate life.
2. Strive to take good care of your mind and body.
3. Strive to take good care of others.
4. Strive to be humble and to remain calm.
5. Strive to admit to and learn from your mistakes and to be responsible for your problems.

After reading this I was like, huh? These are things that I have been trying to live by and work towards improving on for the benefit of my life for a while now. However what do they have to do with this so called new found religion, and one that I have NEVER heard of before? So I continue to read and find out that this not a registered religion but rather more so of a belief/spirituality system. Plus it is everything I have ever thought about religion but could never really explain to anyone. Here are some examples.

What is a Honorarianist?

An “Honorarian” or “Honorarianist” is someone who believes in and lives by the principles (The five Pillars) of “Honorarianism”. An “Honorarian” agrees to strive to honor life through respect and celebration.

God?

Honorarian’s view God as an asexual being composed of divine light that has existed since the dawn of time.

Is God Good or Evil?

The concepts of good and evil, morality, ethics, etc are human concepts and cannot be applied to God. “Honorarians” believe in the existence of God but do not characterize it as good or evil. God just is.

Did God Create The Earth? Can God intervene In Worldly Affairs?

Yes, God created the earth, the universe and everything that has does or ever will exist. God IS the universe and thus created itself. Yes, everything that happens is God’s will.

What is Honorarianism’s attitude toward Darwinism?

Honorarians believe in evolution.

What happens when we die? Do you believe in eternal life?

When living beings such as humans die they cease to live; but they do not cease to exist. Existence after death is impossible for a living human to comprehend since it is so different. “Honorarians” believe in eternal existence, not eternal life. Humans exist both before birth and after death.

Do Honorarians believe in the concepts of heaven and hell?

No. The concepts of heaven and/or hell would require a life after death and a bodily existence like the one we have to day. “Honorarians” believe in existence after death, not life. Because of this the concepts of heaven and hell become meaningless to us.

Is Honorarianism monotheistic?

Yes. Since God is everything, everywhere, always. On the other hand “Honorarianism” recognizes the need for human beings to worship the perceived manifestations of God in different ways. “Honorarianism” does not have a God of Love, God of War, etc. There is only one God no matter how you choose to worship it.

Ok, so I’m an Honorarian. Do I have to give up my old religion?

Absolutely not: Honorarianism is an open, inclusive religion. For example, you can choose to be both an Honorarian and a Muslim at the same time. Honorarianism does not dictate how you choose to worship God.

Do you believe in Jesus? Allah? Buddha?

No, Jesus is a Christian concept. He may or may not have existed but we do not recognize him as our savior. For that matter we don’t recognize anyone as a savior since we believe in individual responsibility. Regarding Allah, Buddha and other deities or prophets, we recognize that they may or may not have existed and that they have promoted very many important concepts, but we do not regard them as part of our pantheon.

Does the concept of sin exist in Honorarianism? Who decides what is right or wrong? Is God’s word law?

No, we do not believe in the concept of sin. However, we do believe that breaking the law should have consequences. People decide what is right or wrong. Different cultures have different views on the subjects of morality and ethics and these change over time. We do not believe that one absolute, unchangeable truth has been communicated to us by God. We do not believe there is such a thing as God’s word. By following the 5 pillars of Honorarianism we believe that people will do what is “right”.

If you are not Christians, why do you call it the “Church” of honor?

For an “Honorarian” a “church” is just a meeting hall or gathering place. It can be either indoors or outdoors. Someone’s home, a town hall, a hay field, a Christian church or a Muslim mosque, all of these places could be considered “churches” by “Honorarians”.

The place is irrelevant. The important thing is that people gather together to respect, honor and celebrate life.

Wow this turned out to be a rather long one. I just felt like it was something I need to share with people. Not that I expect anyone to follow this at all; to me it is just rather interesting how my unconscious mind informed me through this symbol even though I haven’t seen it anywhere ever before. As a lot of you know I have been doing a lot of soul searching and finding out about my personality in the past year. One of my biggest things for my personality type (INFP) is that we need some sort of strong faith in order to feel complete as people, and in order to push us to achieve what we want out of life. Moving to Vancouver has been very stressful for me. I mean I went from supporting myself, having my own place, and being extremely independent. To living at my families place and being co-dependent on someone once again; even for just a short while. So many big changes happened and all of them so fast. I truly think that my subconscious wanted to give me something to have strong faith in with out damaging my already strong value system. It did that through a pretty freaky ass dream but none the less I am thankful for it. Now I have a system I can have faith in that actually makes sense and will allow me to be who I want to be, and what I want to do in my life.

The Entertainment Industry Takes out The Little Mongrels

So it has come to my attention lately that the entertainment industry always has and most likely always will take over the minds of little books. I was walking through Chapters the other day and I was looking for the popular book and now movie I am Number 4. I had watched the movie recently and I absolutely loved it! I thought it was fantastic; so when I found out that it was a best seller on book store shelves I decided that the book must be read. I went to purchase the book and as I was reading the back this kid (okay teenager probably around 16) had come up to me and asked “Ah, have you seen the movie?" When I replied to him that yes in fact I had seen the movie he then simply stated. “Well it was awesome; why do you need to buy the book?" I then thought to myself. Well he does have a point there. I mean I already know what happens I know what the characters are like and the whole plot line would be thrown out the window; because well I already know it. However the more I thought about it in that split second I couldn’t for the life of me justify why I should not read this book. So I said "I need to read the book because often Hollywood leaves out a lot of good parts, plus my own imagination is usually a hundred times better then what they decide to put on the screen." So in my statement and some what matter of fact; I also convinced this kid to buy the book as well. *Happy Dance*

Now when I was on my way home I couldn’t help but think how many great books wouldn’t be read because they are turned into huge blockbuster movies. The list that came into my mind was endless; so I will just give a few examples, The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Series by Stieg Larsson, and last but not least the famous Twilight series by Stephanie Meyers. I have read all of these books, and I have seen all of these movies. The books as usual are a hundred times better, and always will be. The way that I think of this is that Hollywood film producers should not be allowed to turn a great book into a movie unless they are willing to put the time and effort to make it extraordinary! How many books have you read that are turned into movies in which are not very good? I would say you could probably list off at least a handful.


So why is it that we choose to no longer use our imagination of reading a book? Instead most of us choose to say "Oh, I will just watch the movie when it comes out." Could this be why book reading is becoming a dying hobby? There are so many teenagers that I know who don't even bother to pick up a book anymore. They simply choose to let TV, the Box Office, and Public Media become their only source for entertainment. What happened to the days of imagination, and play? I remember as a kid I had to go outside and make up a fake pop band group, and dance around to songs on the radio, or even a cassette tape! I had to use my little toy kitchen and play house and pretend to cook for my fake husband. I remember playing Saylor Moon and always wanting to be Saylor Moon, and if I couldn't there would be hell to pay! My most favorite was playing in the playground. We played grounders, Mortal Kombat, and even X-Men! These were the days when anything was possible.


If you look at anything with kids today; you will see how out of touch with reality they are. They are so absorbed in their video games and social networking that they no longer have imaginations. They would rather sit and play video games for hours on end, or watch TV for extended periods of time; instead of having some sort of actual social interaction with their peers. Now when I look back in time I love the fact that I had an imagination. That I had time to be a real kid and do kid things. Now a day’s, kids are growing up way to fast and I really think it has everything to do with the way our society and technology works together these days. I can tell you this; my kids when I have them will play outside, and will have an imagination. Because to me I think that’s what is most important

INFP Also know As The Idealist.

So I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships how it’s been two years since my last relationship, and how much I miss having one. It’s also got me thinking about how ridiculous our society is when it comes to women and men and how women should still just keep their mouths shut when it comes to them expressing how much they feel about someone or life in general. When they make bold gestures it often comes off as psychotic or desperate, unlike men and how they make it seem romantic and loving. How long do women have to go through constant scrutiny before we are no longer considered crazy people when we make our bold gestures; will this change or is it something women will always have to deal with?

This issue was brought up to me by a close friend, but it is also something that is a pressing issue with me. I know where she is coming from. I am an emotional person it’s just part of my personality. I speak freely of my ideals and have open communication when it comes to my views and values in life. Anyone who knows me knows how I stand on relationships and love, and how much I love, love.  So for a girl like me it is hard to not come off as psychotic when I talk about it because of how greatly I feel for it. Maybe this is why she came to me on her issues, because of how I feel for it. I want “real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, all consuming, cant-live-without-each-other-love.”  So I make bold gestures wear my heart on my sleeve; because I know that when the person I am supposed to be with finds me they will love this part about me.

I have always been one for boldness saying things when I know I shouldn’t. Taking the risk of being open and honest with someone when I know that it could very well drive them away, but why should I change who I am when I absolutely love who I am? This concept just does not make any sense to me. I want someone who will push my buttons, and make me reach hard for my goals. I want spontaneity, to be able to just get up and leave for a weekend without telling anyone where we are going and when to expect us back.  I want to be able to just sit or lay talking with someone for hours about anything and everything. I want to hold hands and make those nervous eye glances back and forth to each other. Most of all I want to feel the nervous rush of the first kiss to me it’s one of the best parts. Anyone that knows me could tell you just how important love is to me.

People have told me before that my thoughts on love are completely out there, and that if it wasn’t for Hollywood I most likely wouldn’t feel how I do about life and love. I don’t like to think that however, Hollywood already gets too much credit for everything else why give them my thoughts as well. My ideas of love started at a young age ever since I was old enough to play with Barbie and Ken. I have been planning my dream wedding since I was four years old. Hell I even had my very first kiss with a boy name Tyler when I was three. Granted it was just a little pucker, but still a kiss none the less. I was far too young to even know what Hollywood chick flick movies meant. I feel for love because of who I am not what got planted in my head. My best friend once said to me “Sina how are you going to find what you are looking for in love when you have such strong feelings on it.” (Well something close to that anyway) Since that day it is something that I have thought about a lot. The best answer I could think of now is I will find it when I find someone with similar thoughts and wants of love. When love is just as important to them as it is to me, that’s how I know when I’ve found it.

I can’t help what I feel or who I am It’s in my INFP nature.  So when I talk to you about my ideals, my wants, and my dreams. Please do not scrutinize me, or make me feel ashamed for my thoughts. Yes I love life and love, yes I feel greatly for it, and yes I want it. Does this make me a crazy psychotic or desperate person? No. It makes me real.