Here i am laying in my bed at 10:00 pm on a Thursday night, where I have been for about three days now. Thinking, not the whole time of course but for most of it. Life is made up of choices, moments and choices. Some worry about the big choices, like when to get married, when to buy a house, and when should I have children. To us the small choices are easy, and since as human beings we only use up to about ten percent of our full brain complex the small choices are the ones we strive for. It doesn't take much thinking or extra brain power to make those decisions. It's the unimaginable ones that really make our brain hurt.
Life may be made up of choices, plans, and expectations. However when you grow older you realize that life is actually about the moments, and the unexpected. We can plan our lives out until we are blue in the face, and no matter what we plan or how perfect we expect it to turn out we all know that the unimaginable is there waiting to just punch us square in the face. It's for times like these, moments like these that it is good to know you have someone there to help you. For when it does happen to me, because hell lets face it my life is not perfect by far. I know I will get knocked down and right back up again, and it's because I had an amazing role model to show me that anything is possible.
About eleven well almost twelve years ago, my mom was faced with an unimaginable decision, and a big moment that would not only affect her life but the lives of everyone involved. Her moment, her choice was to leave my dad or stay with my dad. At first I remember being so mad at her I mean it's my dad you cant leave him, moms and dads are supposed to stay together right? They took vows till death, and being a child I didn't really understand how that type of promise could be broken. However now I do and I am happy, actually happy that my mom made that unimaginable decision. For a long time now when I'd think about the choice she made I have felt that it was the right one because I truly believe that if she stayed, my sister and I would be two completely screwed up people.
I know it wasn't easy for her. She went from having what once was a loving relationship to one that was filled with emotional turmoil. To having to raise two almost teenage girls on her own. I know that I didn't make it any easier on her, for a while I was a pretty messed up kid. I lied, Called her names, swore at her, said I hate you, the worst was probably when I threatened to hurt myself. It's not a time I am particularly proud of, but I know that it was something I had to go through. Still through it all, through all the things I have done, and all the problems I have created for her on top of her own personal problems she's still there for me. She is still my mom.
I remember once she told me she felt as though she failed me as a parent, because of where I was going in my life. Yes I have made some pretty stupid choices and some pretty dumb mistakes, but do I regret them? Not one bit, and you need to know that you didn't fail me as a mom. I love you more than you know, and you could never fail me. There has been times where I've felt as though I was failing you. I however no longer look at it like that. The choices I have made, the moments I have lived, and the mistakes I have created are the ones i needed to make to figure out who I am. It doesn't mean that I love you any less, or that you love me any less. We just see things differently.
There are many things that I have learned in the past few months. Things that my mom and I have done together and they are helping me to be the person I know I am inside. They've helped our relationship tremendously and for that I am thankful. My biggest wish in life is that I only hope one day I will be as great as a mom to my kids as she is to me. A few days a go my mom was telling me that I have horseshoes up my butt because I can get myself out of pretty much anything, and I always pull myself through. I didn't say anything back just gave a little mmhmm and a nod (because well when I speak I ramble and then I don't really get the point across. Anyway), but what I should have said was " well I've learned from the best, and thank you."
So it's said. "A butterfly's wings are made up of thousands of tiny complex layers, which reflect light, giving them the striking colours and patterns we find so beautiful, like these wings life is made up of thousand upon thousands of it's own layers. Everyday lots of big and small things come our way. It's amazing to think that each and every moment, tiny or pivotal can trigger a butterfly effect that no one can predict. Your life is the sum of it's moments, so make each one count." I'm just really glad I had someone to teach me that. I love you.
