So here it is 3:03 am and I cannot sleep. There I was again tossing and turning with the uncertainty in my mind. I am sitting here watching intervention and this show always puts me on that emotional roller coaster. I think it’s because I can relate to what the people feel in this show, in some way. The way they care about their family member in despair and depression that’s too far-gone. It hits me very close to home in some ways.
Lately I haven’t been able to sleep very well, not really sure why. It could be because I have a million thoughts going through my head all at once, and not even just about one subject either. The thoughts I have are about an abundance of things that just give off a very over whelming feeling. There is so much going on in my life right now that I am starting to feel as though I have taken on way too much, and that my plate is overflowing.
Maybe I feel so much pressure and stress because I am not used to this. I have never really been a person for setting goals, up until about a few years ago. I was the type to just go with the flow, saw what everyone else was doing and just well went with it. Then the desire to better myself just got so extreme and intense that I just had to do something about my life. I started making goals started to change and I am happy with where I have gotten so far.
Although a part of me feels like I am not moving fast enough, like the wheels are only going 40 km/hr when they should be going full force at 260 km/hr. My whole life I have had people telling me “Hansina you will be amazing at whatever you do, what ever you want to accomplish you have the amazing ability to do so.” I think for a long time I thought that I wasn’t. I set my expectations of myself so little so that I couldn’t be disappointed with them, but this is not what I ever wanted.
I think I feel the pressure to move faster because for close to nine years of my life I was going slow paced, didn’t care and I didn’t want to care. Life really didn’t mean anything to me. However I have done a lot of soul searching in the past few years and to not care about the life I want to live made me feel very unsettled. What kind of life is a life of not living? It isn’t one. Not only that but having patience was never my forte.
I also think one of my problems is the fact that there is so much uncertainty with in everything that I want right now that its causing more stress than motivation, and frankly its just bogging me down. I need to break free from the uncertainty and find clarity in all this madness. In order to do that its all about having the right conversations, and accepting the responses given whether they’re exactly what you wanted to hear, or the opposite
I feel as though I need to let go of some of the people in my life, not because I don’t care about them or because I think I am too good for them, which is not the case at all. I need to let go for the simple fact that I can’t handle drama and negativity in my life any longer. I need to
