Building Kingdomes

Courtesy of: http://bullybusteroc.wordpress.com/

So it has been such a long time since I have written anything on my blog, and I realize that it's because well I have been too busy to find anything to inspire me to write. Today however that has changed. It was a normal day for me, I just went to work, came home, took the dog for a walk held my boyfriends hand, gave him a kiss, and thought to myself. Wow I am absolutely lucky to be where I am right now. Its been a few days since I checked my facebook and I thought, well I should go on there and let some people know I am still alive. When I logged on my facebook was flooded with post's about this fifteen year old girl named Amanda Todd. She had committed suicide due to bullying. So I watched the video that she posted on you-tube about five months ago ( can be found here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ocvs5kNDSs ) and it made me even more grateful for my life that I have now; because I was exactly where she was when I was fifteen.

My entire childhood I was picked on. I got made fun of because I was over weight. My nick name in elementary school was Hamsina. It also was something that got carried over, even after I moved and years later resurfaced when someone that I never met in my life asked me 'hey didn't they call you Hamsina back in elementary?" Uh ya and who the eff are you? I got called a human cannon ball when I played basketball because I was more chubby than any other kid on the team. I got called No Neck Mcgee because well I guess it looked like I had no neck. One time in gym class this girl hid my pants and switched them out with different pants from the lost and found. Then when i asked where my pants were they all started laughing and she walked up to me and said "those are your pants, they have the stretch band, no other girl here needs the stretch band." Then for the rest of the day I was the laughing stock of the school for wearing pants from the lost and found. This is only some of the stuff I went through.

Every day I would go home and cry because I felt like no one liked me. I felt like the only friends I had were my friends because they wanted something from me. Even though I really had nothing to give. I remember getting into screaming matched with my mom and telling her that I was going to kill myself, and one day she would come home to find me dead. Even told her where she would find me. One day I even wrote that letter, thank god it never got delivered.

If we as teenagers even knew how little that part of out life was. How miniscule all that time in school was to the rest of our lives. Bullies would have no control of our minds and our feelings because in ten years from that time. They wont even matter. They will be a blip on the radar, that we remember but also forget.  We remember because we don't want to forget how cruel some people really are, and how they made us  strong in the end. We forget because we don't want to remember the pain they ensued apon us. Maybe this is my mission in life to help develop a way to reduce bulling, or to help kids who are victims of it. Just maybe.

My point is I know how this girl felt, I felt what she felt. Amanda Todd deserved a life outside of the heartache that she knew, and that she grew up to know. Amanda didn't have a chance to feel anything other than pain because people would never let her forget. Every time that I hear of a teenager killing themselves due to bullying it makes me feel like I could have saved them because I was saved. R.I.P Amanda Todd. From what I have read you truly were loved, and are missed.





For anyone affected by bullies. I leave you with this. It always helped me.

"Simon"
By: Lifehouse

Catch your breath,
Hit the wall,
Scream out loud,
As you start to crawl
Back in your cage
The only place
Where they will
Leave you alone.
'Cause the weak will
Seek the weaker til they've broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defense;
They tore it down.

[Chorus:]
And I have felt the same as you,
I've felt the same as you,
I've felt the same.

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.

The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,
when they pushed you around?
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.

[Chorus]

Refuse to feel anything at all,
Refuse to slip,
Refuse to fall.
Can't be weak,
Can't stand still,
You watch your back 'cause no one will.
You don't know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don't believe the lies
That they have told to you. Not one word was true
you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

[Chorus]

http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/Teens/Home.aspx

The Pursuit of Happiness

Well I just turned twenty-four recently, I’m close to the quarter century mark, yea laugh it up I’m pretty sure most of you reading this are closer to a half century. Oh yea I said it! Anyways It took me a long time to get here. Lots of changes that I went through to make it here alive, some very good ones, and some not so good ones. However they all got me here, and I wouldn't change any of them for the world. Today I woke up, and I realized something, I am happy. I am really happy, and to be quite honest I can’t remember the last time I felt this way.

I finally see that, and I am accepting that I’m creating my own happiness. I no longer am waiting for something to just happen. I get up every single day with a purpose and that purpose is to just be me. To do what I want with my life and with what I have available to me. Most of my life I tried to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be, and the more that I look back at it now the more that I see everyone really just wanted me to be myself. The people that mattered anyway.

People seem to think that you have to chase happiness, that you have to find it. Much like people seem to think that you have to “find yourself”. You can’t find happiness, happiness finds you. It’s much like anything that you want, the more you seem to want it, and the more you seem to search for it,  the more it just falls away from you.  Then once you stop searching and stop digging for that ultimate “happy high” that’s when you find it, and that’s where it’s waiting for you.

I once told someone I needed to find myself to be happy. Once I find myself and figure out who I am then all my happiness will fall into place. What I didn’t understand is that you DONOT find yourself you CREATE yourself. To find something means that it was once lost. I don’t really believe that we ever “lose” ourselves. Now when I look at it I see that every human being is a blank canvas and every person is their own artist. We have the power to create who we are, to be our own Leonardo, and make our life, our own Mona Lisa Smile. Everything we do, we created, and every choice we make we decided; because at one point everything we did was exactly what we wanted.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. That our life changes so that we can learn to change, to make that adjustment, or to throw on the paint thinner and start all over. I believe that people change so that we can learn it’s okay to let go. No matter how hard it is, because if they have changed it means you also have changed. Everything in your life has a purpose, and it’s purpose is to help you create your best masterpiece of all. Yourself. 

Dreams DO Come True

I thought to myself take a deep breath. Smell the air, the fresh pine of the forest, the salt with the water. Feel the wind run its fingers through your hair; hear how it whispers in your ear, and know how it's soft touch makes you smile. Feel the fast beating of your heart, the clammy feeling in your hands, and know that this is all because you are finally here, in a place where if you're careful your dreams will come true. Look bellow at the beautiful bright lights and how they wonderfully twinkle at night. Look at the buildings so high they could almost touch the heavens. Feel the excitement In the jungle of fast paced cars and honking delivery trucks. Feel the warmth of a friendly strangers hello, and waving smile. Hear the fog horns of huge cargo ships, and imagine the calm steadiness of the sail boats. See the spotlight of the lighthouse out in the unknown depths of the brainy deep. Stand barefoot with sand between your toes, and cool water washing over your feet. Hear the waves crashing against the shores, and always remember how this feeling has only ever come a few times before.

It's the feeling you get on the very first day you've ever gone to school. That feeling in the split second of thought right before your very first kiss, and the very first time you say I love you while actually meaning it. When nervous is good. When clammy hands means changing hearts. That point when you realize that one of your biggest dreams has come true.

I never thought life would take me here this fast. To this place; and yet as I stand a top this mountain looking down bellow. I know, in my heart. This; is what I was born for. This. IS, my city.