Dream what you live; live what you dream.

Looking at where my life is and also at others around me. I constantly question if we truly ever get life right. Can people be genuine, and does happiness ever last more then a moment? Maybe as people we all have too high of standards which allows the little things to easily upset us, and people to disappoint us. I know personally I never allow people in. That my walls are high and my trust even higher. I do know that once I let you in I never want to let you go. I have learnt this past year that people cannot make me happy. I cannot rely on one person for all my happiness because when they're gone you're well... screwed. You and you alone are the soul creator for your happiness. I think as humans we let other peoples ideals and values affect us too much. Sometimes when its broken it's just broken. Then letting go is even harder.

Someone once said to me "I am a bad person; damaged goods that no one wants.: My response to this was "If you seriously see yourself that way then that's how the whole world will see you. You're not damaged; why do you think that?" It took a while for my friend to respond and finally it was said "Well I am unhappy. I don't have anyone, and I want to start my life." When I was having this conversation a few years ago; I never really knew what to say. If I was put in this situation again I would have responded with "Why do you need someone to start your life? Don't let being damaged stop you from living." We all know this and yet we allow it to affect us anyway.

It is such a common misconception that we need someone or something in our life to make us happy. Just like its a common misconception that human beings were meant to be connivers when our human biology is much closer to that of a deer than a wolf. Also when have you ever seen a monkey eat meat? I know I haven't. Anyways back to my point. As humans we are supposed to have interaction with each other on a social and physical level; but to say that one person has complete control over your happiness and well being is a complete load of crock. As humans we have something known as free will and that co-insides with each individual persons happiness.

  

It took me a long time to realize this. For a lot of my life I always relied on others for my happiness. Not taking responsibility for my actions and pretty much just going with the flow. I was what some people (now me included) would call directionless. I had no sense of direction. A trait I now despise in others. However over the past three or so odd years I have done a lot of growing up. I've become more independent and in some cases more trusting. It's always been hard for me to let people in. To open up and show them the real me. Then once I do it's even harder for me to let go. I have lost a few good friends in the past three years including a boyfriend. Every time it was like a bomb going off sending me scattered in a million pieces. I let you in and you had the audacity to do what you did to me! How could you?! After many long drawn out goodbyes (mostly on my part) I blamed them for my unhappiness when really I should have only blamed myself.

I think we tend to hold on to the past for so long that it blocks us from seeing the good that's calling our name.(Hello Hansina, yes it's me good. Right; nope a little over to the left. Too far just back to the right a bit. OK. There Hi. I'm the present; Good. Nice to meet you.) It's staring us right in the face; telling us its okay. Move on; come with me and we will be happy. Just keep moving. It shows us that we are all equal in the evil and beauty we are capable of producing. It's just a matter of what you personally choose to produce more of. If you produce more beauty, warmth, and positivity you will find happiness. Just open your eyes, and don't ignore what matters most. Always let your heart defy your logic. Remember if you are damaged than everyone else around you is damaged in there own way as well. Rise Against really did have it right when they wrote "Life for you, has been less than kind. So take a number, stand in line. We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt; but how we survive is what makes us who we are."

Never let being damaged ruin your future happiness. Learn to smile. Smile and laugh. Tell someone I love you; it will feel really good I promise. Learn to forgive; but never forget. Just let go. Have hope While having faith. Learn to trust. Make a bucket list. Cross something off said bucket list. Never regret. Give up. Lose yourself. Find your way back. Give someone a chance. Say yes. Cry. Dance. Be happy. Become the person you want to be. Don't stop dreaming; because there is nothing wrong with wanting more. Chase the rain. Be strong. Fight your fears. Time machines don't exist. Learn to walk away. Learn that sometimes; you can only blame yourself. Don't waist another second. Do what you love to do. Also always remember. Discover the person you are; before you find the person you need to be with. Live, live, live. From this day forward my dreams start now; and everyday will be the most important day. Dream what you live; live what you dream.

I am an Honorarian

Okay some of you know I have been having some pretty weird dreams; well actually nightmares lately. The last one I had was a few days ago and lets just say it scared me so much that when I awoke at five AM I couldn’t fall back to sleep till around eight AM. Don’t you hate those nightmares that feel so real when you wake up it is almost as if you experienced it in real life? Well this one was one of those “reality” nightmares.

In My dream my sister and I were going over to our friends place when we got there we go to our rooms set up for the night and then retired to the living room for the evening. Everyone decided that we were going to watch a horror movie. (This movie was not one that exists in real life or that I have ever even thought of writing a screen play for.) When I heard that we were watching this movie I got this overwhelming scared feeling in my stomach. For whatever reason I could not believe that we were going to be watching this movie. As the movie began I sat on the couch with my hands over my eyes. Then for whatever reason curiosity got the best of me and I decided that I would look at the screen. As I am taking my hands off my eyes I am jolted in to the movie, and I am standing outside a bedroom door. I see this boy (who is the main character in the movie) get thrown against the wall by some unknown force. These two long screws come out of the wall through the back of this boys head and out through his eyes. They start spinning around as if they were attached to a drill gun; which sends blood flying everywhere. Next thing I see this happen to his mom. His mom is also thrown against the wall and screws start coming out into various places of her body including her eyes. The screws start spinning around and now I am splattered with their blood. All of a sudden I am in a classroom. I look around and I see the boy from the movie sitting in the desk next to me. I go to say something then everyone’s head is shaking form side to side at hyper speed which makes their faces all blurry then I can’t recognize anyone. The heads all stop at the same time and they are all “looking” at me; but yet all of their faces are still blurry. I notice that they all have this symbol in what appears to be blood written on their forehead (see picture below) Then I am back in my friends living room with my sister who is crying. She looks at me and says “Something is really wrong; I am sleeping with you tonight.” Then my friend’s dog comes trotting over to me happy as can be licks my hand, and I pet her. Then I wake up.

Can you see why I didn’t go back to sleep for hours? When I awoke I was so terrified and curious as to why my subconscious would cause me to have such a screwed up dream. What was this about, and what on earth would posses me to have this horrifying nightmare. Since I couldn’t go back to sleep I had this sense of curiosity that I needed to know more about my dream, and now. So I grabbed my computer went to dreammoods.com and went to look up important things about my dream. Here is what I found out.

Now when you interpret your dream you have to pick out the most important things that seem to stick out to you more so than anything else. So for me that would be:

·        Being in the movie

·        Extremely scared

·        Bleeding eyes

·        Blood

·        Faceless people

·        The symbol

·        My sister

·        The dog

Movie: To dream you are apart of a movie foretells that something form your unconscious is about to emerge or be revealed. Alternatively the dream may be pointing you towards a new life role. And your unconscious is preparing you for this role.

Scared: Indicates you are experiencing feelings of self doubt, incompetence, and lack of control in your waking life. Maybe having second thoughts about a decision you have made.

Bleeding Eyes: Symbolizes the sacrifices you have made and the difficulties you have endured. Alternatively the dream signifies some very deep internal conflict with in your soul.

Blood: Represents life, love, passion, and as well as disappointments. If something is written in blood then it represents the energy you have put into something. You have invested so much time and effort into something you are not willing to give up on. If others are bleeding it signifies an emotional cry for help.

Faceless: To see faceless people indicates that you are still searching for your own identity and finding out who you are.

The Symbol: Is the symbol of “Honorarianism” is two circles or rings locked together symbolizing the eternal link between life and death. One ring lies flat and the other is rotated 90 degrees so that it resembles a flat line.

Sister: Symbolizes some aspect of your relationship with her whether one of rivalry, nurturance, protectiveness, etc. Alternatively your sister could be a metaphor for a nun. In this case; she may represent some spiritual issues

Dog: Symbolizes loyalty, intuition, generosity, protection, and fidelity. Suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to move forward and bring success to yourself.

After I had found all of these definitions I still needed to figure out what that symbol meant. Thank goodness for Google. Okay so I go to Google and type in; “circle symbol with a line coming from the center outwards.” I click on images and find the picture of the symbol that I have already posted above. Now remember I have NEVER seen this symbol in my entire life before this dream; I swear. After I click on the image I am taken to this site called The Church of Honor. A blog dedicated to spreading the word of a new religion called “Honorarianism.” Also known as the Church of Honor.

I start thinking to myself okay this is pretty freaky. I have never seen this symbol before in my entire life and now it means some religious type bull that I probably do not even believe in. Not to mention how my dream is now making me think of some creepy stigmata crap; only thank goodness when I awoke I wasn’t blind with bleeding eyeballs. *Shudders* the whole stigmata hand scene was enough reality for me thanks. I still get shivers thinking about it. Even though I think this will be completely irrelevant to me I continue to read on; the whole time asking the question what the heck does my unconscious mind want me to know about this? This is what I read next:

The 5 pillars of “Honorarianism” are:

1. Strive to respect, honor and celebrate life.
2. Strive to take good care of your mind and body.
3. Strive to take good care of others.
4. Strive to be humble and to remain calm.
5. Strive to admit to and learn from your mistakes and to be responsible for your problems.

After reading this I was like, huh? These are things that I have been trying to live by and work towards improving on for the benefit of my life for a while now. However what do they have to do with this so called new found religion, and one that I have NEVER heard of before? So I continue to read and find out that this not a registered religion but rather more so of a belief/spirituality system. Plus it is everything I have ever thought about religion but could never really explain to anyone. Here are some examples.

What is a Honorarianist?

An “Honorarian” or “Honorarianist” is someone who believes in and lives by the principles (The five Pillars) of “Honorarianism”. An “Honorarian” agrees to strive to honor life through respect and celebration.

God?

Honorarian’s view God as an asexual being composed of divine light that has existed since the dawn of time.

Is God Good or Evil?

The concepts of good and evil, morality, ethics, etc are human concepts and cannot be applied to God. “Honorarians” believe in the existence of God but do not characterize it as good or evil. God just is.

Did God Create The Earth? Can God intervene In Worldly Affairs?

Yes, God created the earth, the universe and everything that has does or ever will exist. God IS the universe and thus created itself. Yes, everything that happens is God’s will.

What is Honorarianism’s attitude toward Darwinism?

Honorarians believe in evolution.

What happens when we die? Do you believe in eternal life?

When living beings such as humans die they cease to live; but they do not cease to exist. Existence after death is impossible for a living human to comprehend since it is so different. “Honorarians” believe in eternal existence, not eternal life. Humans exist both before birth and after death.

Do Honorarians believe in the concepts of heaven and hell?

No. The concepts of heaven and/or hell would require a life after death and a bodily existence like the one we have to day. “Honorarians” believe in existence after death, not life. Because of this the concepts of heaven and hell become meaningless to us.

Is Honorarianism monotheistic?

Yes. Since God is everything, everywhere, always. On the other hand “Honorarianism” recognizes the need for human beings to worship the perceived manifestations of God in different ways. “Honorarianism” does not have a God of Love, God of War, etc. There is only one God no matter how you choose to worship it.

Ok, so I’m an Honorarian. Do I have to give up my old religion?

Absolutely not: Honorarianism is an open, inclusive religion. For example, you can choose to be both an Honorarian and a Muslim at the same time. Honorarianism does not dictate how you choose to worship God.

Do you believe in Jesus? Allah? Buddha?

No, Jesus is a Christian concept. He may or may not have existed but we do not recognize him as our savior. For that matter we don’t recognize anyone as a savior since we believe in individual responsibility. Regarding Allah, Buddha and other deities or prophets, we recognize that they may or may not have existed and that they have promoted very many important concepts, but we do not regard them as part of our pantheon.

Does the concept of sin exist in Honorarianism? Who decides what is right or wrong? Is God’s word law?

No, we do not believe in the concept of sin. However, we do believe that breaking the law should have consequences. People decide what is right or wrong. Different cultures have different views on the subjects of morality and ethics and these change over time. We do not believe that one absolute, unchangeable truth has been communicated to us by God. We do not believe there is such a thing as God’s word. By following the 5 pillars of Honorarianism we believe that people will do what is “right”.

If you are not Christians, why do you call it the “Church” of honor?

For an “Honorarian” a “church” is just a meeting hall or gathering place. It can be either indoors or outdoors. Someone’s home, a town hall, a hay field, a Christian church or a Muslim mosque, all of these places could be considered “churches” by “Honorarians”.

The place is irrelevant. The important thing is that people gather together to respect, honor and celebrate life.

Wow this turned out to be a rather long one. I just felt like it was something I need to share with people. Not that I expect anyone to follow this at all; to me it is just rather interesting how my unconscious mind informed me through this symbol even though I haven’t seen it anywhere ever before. As a lot of you know I have been doing a lot of soul searching and finding out about my personality in the past year. One of my biggest things for my personality type (INFP) is that we need some sort of strong faith in order to feel complete as people, and in order to push us to achieve what we want out of life. Moving to Vancouver has been very stressful for me. I mean I went from supporting myself, having my own place, and being extremely independent. To living at my families place and being co-dependent on someone once again; even for just a short while. So many big changes happened and all of them so fast. I truly think that my subconscious wanted to give me something to have strong faith in with out damaging my already strong value system. It did that through a pretty freaky ass dream but none the less I am thankful for it. Now I have a system I can have faith in that actually makes sense and will allow me to be who I want to be, and what I want to do in my life.

The Entertainment Industry Takes out The Little Mongrels

So it has come to my attention lately that the entertainment industry always has and most likely always will take over the minds of little books. I was walking through Chapters the other day and I was looking for the popular book and now movie I am Number 4. I had watched the movie recently and I absolutely loved it! I thought it was fantastic; so when I found out that it was a best seller on book store shelves I decided that the book must be read. I went to purchase the book and as I was reading the back this kid (okay teenager probably around 16) had come up to me and asked “Ah, have you seen the movie?" When I replied to him that yes in fact I had seen the movie he then simply stated. “Well it was awesome; why do you need to buy the book?" I then thought to myself. Well he does have a point there. I mean I already know what happens I know what the characters are like and the whole plot line would be thrown out the window; because well I already know it. However the more I thought about it in that split second I couldn’t for the life of me justify why I should not read this book. So I said "I need to read the book because often Hollywood leaves out a lot of good parts, plus my own imagination is usually a hundred times better then what they decide to put on the screen." So in my statement and some what matter of fact; I also convinced this kid to buy the book as well. *Happy Dance*

Now when I was on my way home I couldn’t help but think how many great books wouldn’t be read because they are turned into huge blockbuster movies. The list that came into my mind was endless; so I will just give a few examples, The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Series by Stieg Larsson, and last but not least the famous Twilight series by Stephanie Meyers. I have read all of these books, and I have seen all of these movies. The books as usual are a hundred times better, and always will be. The way that I think of this is that Hollywood film producers should not be allowed to turn a great book into a movie unless they are willing to put the time and effort to make it extraordinary! How many books have you read that are turned into movies in which are not very good? I would say you could probably list off at least a handful.


So why is it that we choose to no longer use our imagination of reading a book? Instead most of us choose to say "Oh, I will just watch the movie when it comes out." Could this be why book reading is becoming a dying hobby? There are so many teenagers that I know who don't even bother to pick up a book anymore. They simply choose to let TV, the Box Office, and Public Media become their only source for entertainment. What happened to the days of imagination, and play? I remember as a kid I had to go outside and make up a fake pop band group, and dance around to songs on the radio, or even a cassette tape! I had to use my little toy kitchen and play house and pretend to cook for my fake husband. I remember playing Saylor Moon and always wanting to be Saylor Moon, and if I couldn't there would be hell to pay! My most favorite was playing in the playground. We played grounders, Mortal Kombat, and even X-Men! These were the days when anything was possible.


If you look at anything with kids today; you will see how out of touch with reality they are. They are so absorbed in their video games and social networking that they no longer have imaginations. They would rather sit and play video games for hours on end, or watch TV for extended periods of time; instead of having some sort of actual social interaction with their peers. Now when I look back in time I love the fact that I had an imagination. That I had time to be a real kid and do kid things. Now a day’s, kids are growing up way to fast and I really think it has everything to do with the way our society and technology works together these days. I can tell you this; my kids when I have them will play outside, and will have an imagination. Because to me I think that’s what is most important

INFP Also know As The Idealist.

So I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships how it’s been two years since my last relationship, and how much I miss having one. It’s also got me thinking about how ridiculous our society is when it comes to women and men and how women should still just keep their mouths shut when it comes to them expressing how much they feel about someone or life in general. When they make bold gestures it often comes off as psychotic or desperate, unlike men and how they make it seem romantic and loving. How long do women have to go through constant scrutiny before we are no longer considered crazy people when we make our bold gestures; will this change or is it something women will always have to deal with?

This issue was brought up to me by a close friend, but it is also something that is a pressing issue with me. I know where she is coming from. I am an emotional person it’s just part of my personality. I speak freely of my ideals and have open communication when it comes to my views and values in life. Anyone who knows me knows how I stand on relationships and love, and how much I love, love.  So for a girl like me it is hard to not come off as psychotic when I talk about it because of how greatly I feel for it. Maybe this is why she came to me on her issues, because of how I feel for it. I want “real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, all consuming, cant-live-without-each-other-love.”  So I make bold gestures wear my heart on my sleeve; because I know that when the person I am supposed to be with finds me they will love this part about me.

I have always been one for boldness saying things when I know I shouldn’t. Taking the risk of being open and honest with someone when I know that it could very well drive them away, but why should I change who I am when I absolutely love who I am? This concept just does not make any sense to me. I want someone who will push my buttons, and make me reach hard for my goals. I want spontaneity, to be able to just get up and leave for a weekend without telling anyone where we are going and when to expect us back.  I want to be able to just sit or lay talking with someone for hours about anything and everything. I want to hold hands and make those nervous eye glances back and forth to each other. Most of all I want to feel the nervous rush of the first kiss to me it’s one of the best parts. Anyone that knows me could tell you just how important love is to me.

People have told me before that my thoughts on love are completely out there, and that if it wasn’t for Hollywood I most likely wouldn’t feel how I do about life and love. I don’t like to think that however, Hollywood already gets too much credit for everything else why give them my thoughts as well. My ideas of love started at a young age ever since I was old enough to play with Barbie and Ken. I have been planning my dream wedding since I was four years old. Hell I even had my very first kiss with a boy name Tyler when I was three. Granted it was just a little pucker, but still a kiss none the less. I was far too young to even know what Hollywood chick flick movies meant. I feel for love because of who I am not what got planted in my head. My best friend once said to me “Sina how are you going to find what you are looking for in love when you have such strong feelings on it.” (Well something close to that anyway) Since that day it is something that I have thought about a lot. The best answer I could think of now is I will find it when I find someone with similar thoughts and wants of love. When love is just as important to them as it is to me, that’s how I know when I’ve found it.

I can’t help what I feel or who I am It’s in my INFP nature.  So when I talk to you about my ideals, my wants, and my dreams. Please do not scrutinize me, or make me feel ashamed for my thoughts. Yes I love life and love, yes I feel greatly for it, and yes I want it. Does this make me a crazy psychotic or desperate person? No. It makes me real.

The Giver Created an Idealist

Here i am laying in my bed at 10:00 pm on a Thursday night, where I have been for about three days now. Thinking, not the whole time of course but for most of it. Life is made up of choices, moments and choices. Some worry about the big choices, like when to get married, when to buy a house, and when should I have children. To us the small choices are easy, and since as human beings we only use up to about ten percent of our full brain complex the small choices are the ones we strive for. It doesn't take much thinking or extra brain power to make those decisions. It's the unimaginable ones that really make our brain hurt.


Life may be made up of choices, plans, and expectations. However when you grow older you realize that life is actually about the moments, and the unexpected. We can plan our lives out until we are blue in the face, and no matter what we plan or how perfect we expect it to turn out we all know that the unimaginable is there waiting to just punch us square in the face. It's for times like these, moments like these that it is good to know you have someone there to help you. For when it does happen to me, because hell lets face it my life is not perfect by far. I know I will get knocked down and right back up again, and it's because I had an amazing role model to show me that anything is possible.


About eleven well almost twelve years ago, my mom was faced with an unimaginable decision, and a big moment that would not only affect her life but the lives of everyone involved. Her moment, her choice was to leave my dad or stay with my dad. At first I remember being so mad at her I mean it's my dad you cant leave him, moms and dads are supposed to stay together right? They took vows till death, and being a child I didn't really understand how that type of promise could be broken. However now I do and I am happy, actually happy that my mom made that unimaginable decision. For a long time now when I'd think about the choice she made I have felt that it was the right one because I truly believe that if she stayed, my sister and I would be two completely screwed up people.


I know it wasn't easy for her. She went from having what once was a loving relationship to one that was filled with emotional turmoil. To having to raise two almost teenage girls on her own. I know that I didn't make it any easier on her, for a while I was a pretty messed up kid. I lied, Called her names, swore at her, said I hate you, the worst was probably when I threatened to hurt myself. It's not a time I am particularly proud of, but I know that it was something I had to go through. Still through it all, through all the things I have done, and all the problems I have created for her on top of her own personal problems she's still there for me. She is still my mom.


I remember once she told me she felt as though she failed me as a parent, because of where I was going in my life. Yes I have made some pretty stupid choices and some pretty dumb mistakes, but do I regret them? Not one bit, and you need to know that you didn't fail me as a mom. I love you more than you know, and you could never fail me. There has been times where I've felt as though I was failing you. I however no longer look at it like that. The choices I have made, the moments I have lived, and the mistakes I have created are the ones i needed to make to figure out who I am. It doesn't mean that I love you any less, or that you love me any less. We just see things differently.


There are many things that I have learned in the past few months. Things that my mom and I have done together and they are helping me to be the person I know I am inside. They've helped our relationship tremendously and for that I am thankful. My biggest wish in life is that I only hope one day I will be as great as a mom to my kids as she is to me. A few days a go my mom was telling me that I have horseshoes up my butt because I can get myself out of pretty much anything, and I always pull myself through. I didn't say anything back just gave a little mmhmm and a nod (because well when I speak I ramble and then I don't really get the point across. Anyway), but what I should have said was " well I've learned from the best, and thank you."  


So it's said. "A butterfly's wings are made up of thousands of tiny complex layers, which reflect light, giving them the striking colours and patterns we find so beautiful, like these wings life is made up of thousand upon thousands of it's own layers. Everyday lots of big and small things come our way. It's amazing to think that each and every moment, tiny or pivotal can trigger a butterfly effect that no one can predict. Your life is the sum of it's moments, so make each one count." I'm just really glad I had someone to teach me that. I love you.

The Walls

Walls are whats built to make things sound and to keep things safe. They help hold up a structure, however we as people we put up our own walls to protect ourselves. Things happen out of our control to make us not trust anyone. Heart wrenching tragedies that hurt more than any physical wound make us as human beings insecure and we see everyone around us as untrustworthy, and incapeable of our love. So we build our walls high and make them solid to keep out intruders.

Then you have that one person after many that comes into your life and tares them all down. Now you're vulnerable and you don't even realize it. They come into your life, worked their way in and now they know you better than anyone. They know your secrets, your style, how you react in situations, and most importantly they understand your feelings almost as well as you do. I once told someone the first time I met you I made sure I didn't leave an impression because i was protecting myself. Then the second time I had to, because I had to know you. Now this is scary. Do we choose who we let in? or does it just happen? I think its both our heart after a while tells our brain okay this person is cool we can slowly let them in. Now the more we allow them in the more the gate opens and the more the walls fade away. It just happens, we have no control over it and for a while we feel safe.

Then one day something happens that changes everything. You felt safe you made a strong bond with someone then boom the ticking time bomb goes off and the walls that faded away want to go back up because this person betrayed your trust. Everything happens so fast too. One minute you want to tell this person everything every detail of your life and the next minute you want them to know nothing. Do we do this just out of habit? Just to make ourselves feel something other than sadness if that's the case, are our walls really a good thing to have if they bury our feelings?

I think what it comes down to is we need to learn to look past the hurt past the negative learn from it and turn it into something positive. As wells as figure out where you stand with the other person because we should never allow someone to be our priority while allowing our selves to be their option.We need to look back at the times we had with the person and know that most of the times we had were amazing. They were good and know that we don't regret anything about them. If we could do it all over again we would and we wouldn't change anything. Just remember to slow down at the best parts, because in life the little things are what makes it awesome and worth while.

So are these walls really needed? Do they really filter our the "bad seeds" not allowing us to be covered up by the thistle and weeds? or are they bad? do they disable us from experiencing something fresh, something new? Do they stop us from being who we are meant to be? or do they simply just keep us safe? no matter what the answer is I believe we'll always have them. Its just about finding the right way to deal with them. That's what makes all the difference.

                                And always remember.....

Sainly Uncertain

So here it is 3:03 am and I cannot sleep. There I was again tossing and turning with the uncertainty in my mind. I am sitting here watching intervention and this show always puts me on that emotional roller coaster. I think it’s because I can relate to what the people feel in this show, in some way. The way they care about their family member in despair and depression that’s too far-gone. It hits me very close to home in some ways.

Lately I haven’t been able to sleep very well, not really sure why. It could be because I have a million thoughts going through my head all at once, and not even just about one subject either. The thoughts I have are about an abundance of things that just give off a very over whelming feeling. There is so much going on in my life right now that I am starting to feel as though I have taken on way too much, and that my plate is overflowing.

Maybe I feel so much pressure and stress because I am not used to this. I have never really been a person for setting goals, up until about a few years ago. I was the type to just go with the flow, saw what everyone else was doing and just well went with it. Then the desire to better myself just got so extreme and intense that I just had to do something about my life. I started making goals started to change and I am happy with where I have gotten so far.

Although a part of me feels like I am not moving fast enough, like the wheels are only going 40 km/hr when they should be going full force at 260 km/hr. My whole life I have had people telling me “Hansina you will be amazing at whatever you do, what ever you want to accomplish you have the amazing ability to do so.” I think for a long time I thought that I wasn’t. I set my expectations of myself so little so that I couldn’t be disappointed with them, but this is not what I ever wanted.

I think I feel the pressure to move faster because for close to nine years of my life I was going slow paced, didn’t care and I didn’t want to care. Life really didn’t mean anything to me. However I have done a lot of soul searching in the past few years and to not care about the life I want to live made me feel very unsettled. What kind of life is a life of not living? It isn’t one. Not only that but having patience was never my forte.

I also think one of my problems is the fact that there is so much uncertainty with in everything that I want right now that its causing more stress than motivation, and frankly its just bogging me down. I need to break free from the uncertainty and find clarity in all this madness. In order to do that its all about having the right conversations, and accepting the responses given whether they’re exactly what you wanted to hear, or the opposite

I feel as though I need to let go of some of the people in my life, not because I don’t care about them or because I think I am too good for them, which is not the case at all. I need to let go for the simple fact that I can’t handle drama and negativity in my life any longer. I need to Plant my hope with good seeds, and not cover myself with thistle and weeds. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am changing my life for the better and if anyone starts to show me that you might make that more of challenge for me then it already is then I am sorry but I have to let go

I have my plan. In a few months I will be starting something great. In two years a new chapter. In five years I will be accomplished. In ten I will be successful. Nothing will stop me. And alas it is 5:01 am and I have to be up in about 3.5 hours so sleep should come now. Goodnight.

Hardwired- Food For Thought

I just watched this movie called Mr.Nobody. The movie is a very, and when I say very, I mean a very good movie. Although you do have to be one of those people that likes movies that make you think. Not just about the world but also that make you look into yourself and analyze your whole existence.

I don’t want to go into very much detail about what the movie is about and give to much information about what happens away as I really think it is one of those movies everyone should watch. I will however give you the description that is on the back of the box. It says “ A young boy stands on a station platform. The train is about to leave. Should he go with his mother or stay with his father? An infinity of possibilities arise from this decision. As long as he doesn’t choose. Anything is possible. Every life deserves to be lived.” 

Now when I got this movie I was like wow this sounds so interesting and the other reason why I got it was because Jared Leto is in it, and well come on now he is one good looking dude to stare at for a few hours. When I put the movie in I was thinking hmm okay this is not turning out to be what I thought it should be, but I decided to try and give it a chance. These are my thoughts on it.

In life you are put in situations that are not particularly pleasant where choices have to be made that seem impossible and make you think about how many directions your life could go. Where life could take you, and what could happen. These choices at the time seem to be very important and critical to your existence the answer may not always be the right one; but what if there was never any wrong answer? What if no matter what choice you made the outcome of your life was always meant to be the same? Maybe every path every life that we could possibly live is the right one, no choice we make is wrong. If everything could have been anything else and it would have just as much meaning.

Now what do I mean by this you might ask? Well I guess what I am getting at here is that maybe right from birth we are “hardwired” in a way that we already have our life path planned out for us. That maybe our choices that we make are made because we were always supposed to make them. And the little windy off trails that we make from our one main path were never supposed to happen because we are and always were meant to be on one pre determined, one pre destined route. So I have this huge theory that just came up in my head from this movie. I am not sure if this is actually what the movie was trying to express or not but it is a thought that I wanted to entertain. Let me explain.

We all have choices that we need to make. I have already gone over this. So I will use an example to try and explain now to whoever is reading this what I mean by what I am saying to you. Okay so for me in my life just for an example. I have wanted to move to Vancouver for a very long time now. I have written down a list of goals and things that I need to do to accomplish this. Now every time that I do this, get myself in line and actually start to look like I am going somewhere with it, to get what I truly want and what I desire, something always happens to throw me back ten steps. Whether it is a car accident that put me in debt and then I had to spend a year saving up to pay that off instead of moving. Or getting laid-off from my job that set me back even more. My point to this is, and I really hope it’s not true for me is that what if I was never meant to move to Vancouver?  Maybe it is not in my cards, maybe that is not my life outcome.

So coming back to my statement. Maybe we never actually have a choice as to where our life is supposed to go. That the decisions we are presented with everyday are merely just ways to entertain us and make our human brain feel like we have reason. To make us feel like we truly exist in a world that is already pre thought for us and pre destined for us to become what we were supposed to be with out our thought and opinion. So would it really matter about the choices we make if we are always going to end up in the same place?

Does this mean that I am going to give up on my goals because of one little theory I just came up with, Absolutely not but if our fate is already pre determined, and we are already pre destined to be something, then isn’t it quite possible that my goals will change? If everything happens for a reason and these little paths I am supposed to live even though I will always end up where I am supposed to go then it just makes life’s ride that more exciting and more entertaining, does it not?


**** UPDATE*** I HAVE MOVED TO VANCOUVER!!!
so maybe I was always supposed to be here. Ha ha ha  ;)

Letters to Juliet

What and if are two words as nonthreatening as any two words can be; but put them together side by side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life. what if you had found your soul mate and what if you let them slip through your fingers?

Now a days I'm not sure many people believe in "soul mates " or "real" love. which to me seems disappointing, and just sad. some days I will literally sit and think for hours about how amazing it would be to have been born back in the 1800's when there was letters and flowers left on cobblestone door ways. when a boy would stand on the ground under my balcony as I stood in some very beautiful dress while he sang me a song that confessed his love for me. I think about the horse and the carriage rides, the nights we'd sneak away together because it would be the only time to be alone. This was the time when "teenage love" lasted forever, when romance was not a dying age.

So what do you do when you find that person, that one person that when you look at them you stare deep into their eyes and you know. You know that this person is the person that you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with. When you look at them you can see them, and they can see you. Would you let it pass you by, brush it off as just a feeling? If you choose to do that to ignore a feeling that could change your world and not just your world but someone else as well, could you live with that daunting question? What if? That decision is one that could make or break your future happiness, and your existence at a whole.

Could you go one day with out wondering what your life would have been like with that person. where would you have lived, what color would you have chosen to paint the walls, would you cook together or eat out, and most importantly what would have it been like to wake up each morning and see that persons face on the pillow next to yours? I know someone that let her soul mate slip away a long time ago. In which case it lead to unhappiness in other relationships and marriages. Which also lead to grief and pain in others lives, because of this I decided if it was me I would seize the moment, I wouldn't let go because I refuse to always wonder, what if.

Ever since I can remember I have believed in soul mates and love at first sight. I have always believed that their is that one person for me, that he is out there right now somewhere. I was once told that soul mates, true love, and love at first sight was a myth a fairytale to make little girls hearts swoon and make Hollywood millions of dollars on the "chick flick" movies. I however cannot and will not believe it. Everyone has a second half, sometimes you know right when you meet them, sometimes it takes a while. However most people just never find them or they have, and yet for whatever reason choose to spend their life wondering what if?