The Giver Created an Idealist

Here i am laying in my bed at 10:00 pm on a Thursday night, where I have been for about three days now. Thinking, not the whole time of course but for most of it. Life is made up of choices, moments and choices. Some worry about the big choices, like when to get married, when to buy a house, and when should I have children. To us the small choices are easy, and since as human beings we only use up to about ten percent of our full brain complex the small choices are the ones we strive for. It doesn't take much thinking or extra brain power to make those decisions. It's the unimaginable ones that really make our brain hurt.


Life may be made up of choices, plans, and expectations. However when you grow older you realize that life is actually about the moments, and the unexpected. We can plan our lives out until we are blue in the face, and no matter what we plan or how perfect we expect it to turn out we all know that the unimaginable is there waiting to just punch us square in the face. It's for times like these, moments like these that it is good to know you have someone there to help you. For when it does happen to me, because hell lets face it my life is not perfect by far. I know I will get knocked down and right back up again, and it's because I had an amazing role model to show me that anything is possible.


About eleven well almost twelve years ago, my mom was faced with an unimaginable decision, and a big moment that would not only affect her life but the lives of everyone involved. Her moment, her choice was to leave my dad or stay with my dad. At first I remember being so mad at her I mean it's my dad you cant leave him, moms and dads are supposed to stay together right? They took vows till death, and being a child I didn't really understand how that type of promise could be broken. However now I do and I am happy, actually happy that my mom made that unimaginable decision. For a long time now when I'd think about the choice she made I have felt that it was the right one because I truly believe that if she stayed, my sister and I would be two completely screwed up people.


I know it wasn't easy for her. She went from having what once was a loving relationship to one that was filled with emotional turmoil. To having to raise two almost teenage girls on her own. I know that I didn't make it any easier on her, for a while I was a pretty messed up kid. I lied, Called her names, swore at her, said I hate you, the worst was probably when I threatened to hurt myself. It's not a time I am particularly proud of, but I know that it was something I had to go through. Still through it all, through all the things I have done, and all the problems I have created for her on top of her own personal problems she's still there for me. She is still my mom.


I remember once she told me she felt as though she failed me as a parent, because of where I was going in my life. Yes I have made some pretty stupid choices and some pretty dumb mistakes, but do I regret them? Not one bit, and you need to know that you didn't fail me as a mom. I love you more than you know, and you could never fail me. There has been times where I've felt as though I was failing you. I however no longer look at it like that. The choices I have made, the moments I have lived, and the mistakes I have created are the ones i needed to make to figure out who I am. It doesn't mean that I love you any less, or that you love me any less. We just see things differently.


There are many things that I have learned in the past few months. Things that my mom and I have done together and they are helping me to be the person I know I am inside. They've helped our relationship tremendously and for that I am thankful. My biggest wish in life is that I only hope one day I will be as great as a mom to my kids as she is to me. A few days a go my mom was telling me that I have horseshoes up my butt because I can get myself out of pretty much anything, and I always pull myself through. I didn't say anything back just gave a little mmhmm and a nod (because well when I speak I ramble and then I don't really get the point across. Anyway), but what I should have said was " well I've learned from the best, and thank you."  


So it's said. "A butterfly's wings are made up of thousands of tiny complex layers, which reflect light, giving them the striking colours and patterns we find so beautiful, like these wings life is made up of thousand upon thousands of it's own layers. Everyday lots of big and small things come our way. It's amazing to think that each and every moment, tiny or pivotal can trigger a butterfly effect that no one can predict. Your life is the sum of it's moments, so make each one count." I'm just really glad I had someone to teach me that. I love you.

The Walls

Walls are whats built to make things sound and to keep things safe. They help hold up a structure, however we as people we put up our own walls to protect ourselves. Things happen out of our control to make us not trust anyone. Heart wrenching tragedies that hurt more than any physical wound make us as human beings insecure and we see everyone around us as untrustworthy, and incapeable of our love. So we build our walls high and make them solid to keep out intruders.

Then you have that one person after many that comes into your life and tares them all down. Now you're vulnerable and you don't even realize it. They come into your life, worked their way in and now they know you better than anyone. They know your secrets, your style, how you react in situations, and most importantly they understand your feelings almost as well as you do. I once told someone the first time I met you I made sure I didn't leave an impression because i was protecting myself. Then the second time I had to, because I had to know you. Now this is scary. Do we choose who we let in? or does it just happen? I think its both our heart after a while tells our brain okay this person is cool we can slowly let them in. Now the more we allow them in the more the gate opens and the more the walls fade away. It just happens, we have no control over it and for a while we feel safe.

Then one day something happens that changes everything. You felt safe you made a strong bond with someone then boom the ticking time bomb goes off and the walls that faded away want to go back up because this person betrayed your trust. Everything happens so fast too. One minute you want to tell this person everything every detail of your life and the next minute you want them to know nothing. Do we do this just out of habit? Just to make ourselves feel something other than sadness if that's the case, are our walls really a good thing to have if they bury our feelings?

I think what it comes down to is we need to learn to look past the hurt past the negative learn from it and turn it into something positive. As wells as figure out where you stand with the other person because we should never allow someone to be our priority while allowing our selves to be their option.We need to look back at the times we had with the person and know that most of the times we had were amazing. They were good and know that we don't regret anything about them. If we could do it all over again we would and we wouldn't change anything. Just remember to slow down at the best parts, because in life the little things are what makes it awesome and worth while.

So are these walls really needed? Do they really filter our the "bad seeds" not allowing us to be covered up by the thistle and weeds? or are they bad? do they disable us from experiencing something fresh, something new? Do they stop us from being who we are meant to be? or do they simply just keep us safe? no matter what the answer is I believe we'll always have them. Its just about finding the right way to deal with them. That's what makes all the difference.

                                And always remember.....

Sainly Uncertain

So here it is 3:03 am and I cannot sleep. There I was again tossing and turning with the uncertainty in my mind. I am sitting here watching intervention and this show always puts me on that emotional roller coaster. I think it’s because I can relate to what the people feel in this show, in some way. The way they care about their family member in despair and depression that’s too far-gone. It hits me very close to home in some ways.

Lately I haven’t been able to sleep very well, not really sure why. It could be because I have a million thoughts going through my head all at once, and not even just about one subject either. The thoughts I have are about an abundance of things that just give off a very over whelming feeling. There is so much going on in my life right now that I am starting to feel as though I have taken on way too much, and that my plate is overflowing.

Maybe I feel so much pressure and stress because I am not used to this. I have never really been a person for setting goals, up until about a few years ago. I was the type to just go with the flow, saw what everyone else was doing and just well went with it. Then the desire to better myself just got so extreme and intense that I just had to do something about my life. I started making goals started to change and I am happy with where I have gotten so far.

Although a part of me feels like I am not moving fast enough, like the wheels are only going 40 km/hr when they should be going full force at 260 km/hr. My whole life I have had people telling me “Hansina you will be amazing at whatever you do, what ever you want to accomplish you have the amazing ability to do so.” I think for a long time I thought that I wasn’t. I set my expectations of myself so little so that I couldn’t be disappointed with them, but this is not what I ever wanted.

I think I feel the pressure to move faster because for close to nine years of my life I was going slow paced, didn’t care and I didn’t want to care. Life really didn’t mean anything to me. However I have done a lot of soul searching in the past few years and to not care about the life I want to live made me feel very unsettled. What kind of life is a life of not living? It isn’t one. Not only that but having patience was never my forte.

I also think one of my problems is the fact that there is so much uncertainty with in everything that I want right now that its causing more stress than motivation, and frankly its just bogging me down. I need to break free from the uncertainty and find clarity in all this madness. In order to do that its all about having the right conversations, and accepting the responses given whether they’re exactly what you wanted to hear, or the opposite

I feel as though I need to let go of some of the people in my life, not because I don’t care about them or because I think I am too good for them, which is not the case at all. I need to let go for the simple fact that I can’t handle drama and negativity in my life any longer. I need to Plant my hope with good seeds, and not cover myself with thistle and weeds. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am changing my life for the better and if anyone starts to show me that you might make that more of challenge for me then it already is then I am sorry but I have to let go

I have my plan. In a few months I will be starting something great. In two years a new chapter. In five years I will be accomplished. In ten I will be successful. Nothing will stop me. And alas it is 5:01 am and I have to be up in about 3.5 hours so sleep should come now. Goodnight.

Hardwired- Food For Thought

I just watched this movie called Mr.Nobody. The movie is a very, and when I say very, I mean a very good movie. Although you do have to be one of those people that likes movies that make you think. Not just about the world but also that make you look into yourself and analyze your whole existence.

I don’t want to go into very much detail about what the movie is about and give to much information about what happens away as I really think it is one of those movies everyone should watch. I will however give you the description that is on the back of the box. It says “ A young boy stands on a station platform. The train is about to leave. Should he go with his mother or stay with his father? An infinity of possibilities arise from this decision. As long as he doesn’t choose. Anything is possible. Every life deserves to be lived.” 

Now when I got this movie I was like wow this sounds so interesting and the other reason why I got it was because Jared Leto is in it, and well come on now he is one good looking dude to stare at for a few hours. When I put the movie in I was thinking hmm okay this is not turning out to be what I thought it should be, but I decided to try and give it a chance. These are my thoughts on it.

In life you are put in situations that are not particularly pleasant where choices have to be made that seem impossible and make you think about how many directions your life could go. Where life could take you, and what could happen. These choices at the time seem to be very important and critical to your existence the answer may not always be the right one; but what if there was never any wrong answer? What if no matter what choice you made the outcome of your life was always meant to be the same? Maybe every path every life that we could possibly live is the right one, no choice we make is wrong. If everything could have been anything else and it would have just as much meaning.

Now what do I mean by this you might ask? Well I guess what I am getting at here is that maybe right from birth we are “hardwired” in a way that we already have our life path planned out for us. That maybe our choices that we make are made because we were always supposed to make them. And the little windy off trails that we make from our one main path were never supposed to happen because we are and always were meant to be on one pre determined, one pre destined route. So I have this huge theory that just came up in my head from this movie. I am not sure if this is actually what the movie was trying to express or not but it is a thought that I wanted to entertain. Let me explain.

We all have choices that we need to make. I have already gone over this. So I will use an example to try and explain now to whoever is reading this what I mean by what I am saying to you. Okay so for me in my life just for an example. I have wanted to move to Vancouver for a very long time now. I have written down a list of goals and things that I need to do to accomplish this. Now every time that I do this, get myself in line and actually start to look like I am going somewhere with it, to get what I truly want and what I desire, something always happens to throw me back ten steps. Whether it is a car accident that put me in debt and then I had to spend a year saving up to pay that off instead of moving. Or getting laid-off from my job that set me back even more. My point to this is, and I really hope it’s not true for me is that what if I was never meant to move to Vancouver?  Maybe it is not in my cards, maybe that is not my life outcome.

So coming back to my statement. Maybe we never actually have a choice as to where our life is supposed to go. That the decisions we are presented with everyday are merely just ways to entertain us and make our human brain feel like we have reason. To make us feel like we truly exist in a world that is already pre thought for us and pre destined for us to become what we were supposed to be with out our thought and opinion. So would it really matter about the choices we make if we are always going to end up in the same place?

Does this mean that I am going to give up on my goals because of one little theory I just came up with, Absolutely not but if our fate is already pre determined, and we are already pre destined to be something, then isn’t it quite possible that my goals will change? If everything happens for a reason and these little paths I am supposed to live even though I will always end up where I am supposed to go then it just makes life’s ride that more exciting and more entertaining, does it not?


**** UPDATE*** I HAVE MOVED TO VANCOUVER!!!
so maybe I was always supposed to be here. Ha ha ha  ;)

Letters to Juliet

What and if are two words as nonthreatening as any two words can be; but put them together side by side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life. what if you had found your soul mate and what if you let them slip through your fingers?

Now a days I'm not sure many people believe in "soul mates " or "real" love. which to me seems disappointing, and just sad. some days I will literally sit and think for hours about how amazing it would be to have been born back in the 1800's when there was letters and flowers left on cobblestone door ways. when a boy would stand on the ground under my balcony as I stood in some very beautiful dress while he sang me a song that confessed his love for me. I think about the horse and the carriage rides, the nights we'd sneak away together because it would be the only time to be alone. This was the time when "teenage love" lasted forever, when romance was not a dying age.

So what do you do when you find that person, that one person that when you look at them you stare deep into their eyes and you know. You know that this person is the person that you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with. When you look at them you can see them, and they can see you. Would you let it pass you by, brush it off as just a feeling? If you choose to do that to ignore a feeling that could change your world and not just your world but someone else as well, could you live with that daunting question? What if? That decision is one that could make or break your future happiness, and your existence at a whole.

Could you go one day with out wondering what your life would have been like with that person. where would you have lived, what color would you have chosen to paint the walls, would you cook together or eat out, and most importantly what would have it been like to wake up each morning and see that persons face on the pillow next to yours? I know someone that let her soul mate slip away a long time ago. In which case it lead to unhappiness in other relationships and marriages. Which also lead to grief and pain in others lives, because of this I decided if it was me I would seize the moment, I wouldn't let go because I refuse to always wonder, what if.

Ever since I can remember I have believed in soul mates and love at first sight. I have always believed that their is that one person for me, that he is out there right now somewhere. I was once told that soul mates, true love, and love at first sight was a myth a fairytale to make little girls hearts swoon and make Hollywood millions of dollars on the "chick flick" movies. I however cannot and will not believe it. Everyone has a second half, sometimes you know right when you meet them, sometimes it takes a while. However most people just never find them or they have, and yet for whatever reason choose to spend their life wondering what if? 

The Art of Changing

“All changes even the most longed for, have their own melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

-Anatole France

This year has been a rollercoaster of changes for me. Not only me but most people I know. I always had a hard time accepting change and allowing it some sort of presence in my life. However over the past ten years I have started to see that change is an on going battle and no matter how hard I try to avoid it or put it off, change will always be there. So I can either pretend that nothing has changed, avoid the inevitable or open my arms and accept the fact it’s going to happen whether I want it to or not.

I used to rack my brain with trying to change the situation or trying to change people to make everything easier on me but I cannot change others. Some situations I can change because I have brought them on myself although most changes happen for a reason and therefore are unchangeable. To put it simple, change sucks. It’s hard, messy, and most people cannot deal with it. They allow themselves to wallow in the past instead of accepting the change and allowing it to run its course.

Not only does changing life circumstances come along but also change in oneself is just as hard if not harder. Breaking old habits to create new better ones can feel like it takes a lifetime, but it’s not impossible. Change in oneself is a constant. It will always be there. It creates and destroys. However things don’t change. We change.

So hold close to the people you care about. Stay connected to those that are important because change will happen, and when it does these are the people you will lean on for support. Even though we’ve changed and we’re all finding our own place in this world we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we’ll come to each other because no matter where this crazy messed up world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we’re not all still friends.

Stars and Moon

 

I have always had a fascination with our galaxy, our planet, our moon, and our stars. How they are endless and unattainable.  There is a mystery to them, that no one person can truly explain, and maybe that’s what makes them so inscribable so breath taking and astonishing.

When I was younger I had somewhat the same fascination with them as I do now. I asked my mom to bring the moon down to me when we were walking home from a neighbour’s one night. I wanted it so badly, and when you’re three years old walking down the street you look up and try to grab the moon but it looks just out of your reach, obviously mommy can reach it, right? Wrong, I don’t remember how I felt at the moment I mean I was three, but I can imagine I was extremely disappointed. I love how they shine, how when you stare at them they make you want to dream and think of your life and what you want from it. Maybe this is where the saying reach for the stars comes from?  That is just a thought though of course.

 I’ve always wanted to buy a piece of land on the moon. You know just in case that zombie apocalypse happens, or a contagious virus spreads through out mankind, or we have 1 yr before the world implodes. I’ll have a little piece of land for myself on my moon, and maybe just maybe if I could make it to my rocket ship, hell if I could afford my own rocket ship I could live there. Hey a girl can dream right? J

The galaxy and the constellations in our galaxy bring out a beauty in our night sky unlike anything ever seen or described. There is something about a clearing in the woods with an awesome tree line, or a flat farmers field with an endless screen of stars above that holds no beauty like anything else. Even the biggest, boldest, most pretty city holds no match against it.

Did you know that a lot of the stars in our galaxy already burnt out many years ago, but because of the whole time difference thing and a lot of other really smart things that I don’t understand at all we are still able to see and enjoy their beauty long after they have burned out. Maybe this concept is what inspired Neil Young to sing “its better to burn out than to fade away” in his song “Hey hey, My my” that Kurt Cobain also later took and adopted the saying as his own.

I obviously know that our galaxy had no influence on Neil Young when he wrote that song. As I am sure the song was written about John Lydon of the Sex Pistols abandoning his Johnny Rotten persona, as well as the death of Elvis. However it was an awesome thought I had that not only one but also two of the greatest musicians of our time could have the thought based on our stars, that “it’s better to burn out than to fade away.” Much like us still seeing those stars that have already burned out, we will always think of the most influential musicians of our time after they have also burned out. We will always remember them for their amazing creativity as well as beauty in their sound. Just as we still see the beauty of those stars that are long gone. This however was just thought I wanted to entertain.

I feel as though we can learn something from our solar system, the galaxy we have at out fingertips but always just out of reach. I’m not sure what it is or what it will be. Maybe everyone has something different to learn from it. However there is a depth to our universe in a whole that makes everyone think. Even if it is just about its beauty; and that in it’s self is magnificent.