'Singing Radiohead at the top of our lungs With the boom box blaring as we're falling in love Got a bottle of whatever, but it's getting us drunk Singing here's to never growing up"

I haven't written one of these in quite sometime looks like almost a year; however I have been thinking a lot lately about how as we grow older we lose touch with the people we love and the things we love to do. No longer is life like an episode of the TV show Friends, and time no longer feels like it can last forever because well lets face it, it just cant.

Almost four years ago I moved away from my hometown. I left most of my family behind and all of my friends with them. Even though I left we still talk on occasion and I see everyone at least once a year. Every time I come home we all get together and it feels as though nothing has changed, as though we haven't changed, and that is the beauty of it because we have. Through conversations with my friends I have discovered that I am not the only one who feels as though we have changed. Everyone has moved on in someway or another and no one sees each other every weekend anymore. We all have lives with consistently busy schedules, and that's what happens when you grow up and try to make a life to call yours. However I always remember the last summer we all spent together, and I remember one significant moment when we discussed our future. One of my best friends had said "Now that we are all out of high-school, we can spend every day together, we can get a place together and just hang." I also remember the look everyone gave her, that look of bewilderment, and I remember my sister topping it off with her you have got to be kidding me laugh followed by "No we wont, we will be to busy living our own lives, this isn't a TV show." Then I remember the look on our friends face and how heart broken for that one moment my sisters statement made her feel; but she was right. Our lives were and are not a TV show. When I look back on this night, our conversation almost breaks my heart. Almost. Funny thing is, that friend was one of the first of us to start her life and have the busy schedule. 

Not only do I miss the time spent with my friends. I miss being that becoming adult. I miss spending hours locked in my room away from the world exploring the thoughts in my own head. I miss falling into a novel, and not sleeping for days on end because the story is so captivating you feel like you will die if you put that book down. I miss blasting music until the walls shake screaming out the lyrics to my favorite songs for hours on end just because I can. I miss playing an instrument, and I miss having time to create. To write, most importantly to write. I miss fitness being a mandatory part of my day, and I honestly thought I would never say that but it is true. I guess over all I just miss time. 

I honestly don't know what it is or why as we grow older we seem to think there is never enough time for anything we love to do or want to do. Although when you think about it, the amount of time we spend at work is the same amount of time we spent in school, and yet our days feel too short. So why does finding time always feel so difficult and pressing? Maybe it's because our parents did a lot for us when we were younger, or maybe we used to never care because time didn't feel like an issue. I remember reading somewhere that said " as you grow older you will have to make sacrifices. Sacrifices you wont like, and you wont want to make. So make sure you choose the right ones." I guess the problem is knowing which ones to choose. Do I regret any choices I've made? Of course not because everything I have ever chosen was exactly what I wanted. My life is not always perfect it's imperfections are what makes it most interesting; although I miss the past, I would never change anything, and I would never go back. To me Growing up is an option. Growing old is mandatory, and I believe we all go through this phase which too shall pass.

You've Got The Whole World....

Lets imagine that for a moment you could create a world that was all your own. What would you put on your planet, how would you create it? How would you run your world and how would you eventually change it?

If I could create my own world. I would create it simple, a lot like earth. I would leave the oceans, the large land mass and the little tiny islands. However I think I would make all the oceans that beautiful bright aqua green, and every single place would be a nice temperature, of twenty-four degrees celsius. For me that is the perfect temperature to have all year round not to hot not to cold. I would make it rain sometimes but only sometimes, for the wonderful feeling you get from the sound and smell. It would be full of flowers and bright brilliant colours, and every where you walk you would smell mother nature at her finest. it would be like walking through a garden of beauty and brilliance. A garden of eden, made just like heaven. It would be full of every type of animal possible cougars, lions, and bears oh my! but most importantly and especially dogs! I love my dogs the way they look at you and wag their little tail, and know exactly what your feeling, and how they try so hard to make it better with every precious little kissy they give you. In fact in my world it would be against the law to not own a dog.

Also in my world every single person would have the perfect moral compass.  In my world people would have to treat each other with respect and dignity. not with disgust and hate. My world would be what yours, mine, his, or her creator wanted our world to be, peaceful and joyous. Not corrupt and an abomination full of animosity and entitlement. We would live together in harmony. Just imagine if you could a world of complete comfort and freedom. Every day I think of such a place and every day it's what keeps me going; because I know that my world is exactly what I create it to be. I make my world, and I can create my peace in MY world.

We can only change the things we have control over, we can not change others, or demand others to change. We need to know and understand that difference to make us happy with ourselves and our lives. My god gave me a life, started me off and pointed me in a direction to travel, it's been hard but every time I always find my way, and every time I always will. My life is mine, and no one else can or will take that from me.

Building Kingdomes

Courtesy of: http://bullybusteroc.wordpress.com/

So it has been such a long time since I have written anything on my blog, and I realize that it's because well I have been too busy to find anything to inspire me to write. Today however that has changed. It was a normal day for me, I just went to work, came home, took the dog for a walk held my boyfriends hand, gave him a kiss, and thought to myself. Wow I am absolutely lucky to be where I am right now. Its been a few days since I checked my facebook and I thought, well I should go on there and let some people know I am still alive. When I logged on my facebook was flooded with post's about this fifteen year old girl named Amanda Todd. She had committed suicide due to bullying. So I watched the video that she posted on you-tube about five months ago ( can be found here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ocvs5kNDSs ) and it made me even more grateful for my life that I have now; because I was exactly where she was when I was fifteen.

My entire childhood I was picked on. I got made fun of because I was over weight. My nick name in elementary school was Hamsina. It also was something that got carried over, even after I moved and years later resurfaced when someone that I never met in my life asked me 'hey didn't they call you Hamsina back in elementary?" Uh ya and who the eff are you? I got called a human cannon ball when I played basketball because I was more chubby than any other kid on the team. I got called No Neck Mcgee because well I guess it looked like I had no neck. One time in gym class this girl hid my pants and switched them out with different pants from the lost and found. Then when i asked where my pants were they all started laughing and she walked up to me and said "those are your pants, they have the stretch band, no other girl here needs the stretch band." Then for the rest of the day I was the laughing stock of the school for wearing pants from the lost and found. This is only some of the stuff I went through.

Every day I would go home and cry because I felt like no one liked me. I felt like the only friends I had were my friends because they wanted something from me. Even though I really had nothing to give. I remember getting into screaming matched with my mom and telling her that I was going to kill myself, and one day she would come home to find me dead. Even told her where she would find me. One day I even wrote that letter, thank god it never got delivered.

If we as teenagers even knew how little that part of out life was. How miniscule all that time in school was to the rest of our lives. Bullies would have no control of our minds and our feelings because in ten years from that time. They wont even matter. They will be a blip on the radar, that we remember but also forget.  We remember because we don't want to forget how cruel some people really are, and how they made us  strong in the end. We forget because we don't want to remember the pain they ensued apon us. Maybe this is my mission in life to help develop a way to reduce bulling, or to help kids who are victims of it. Just maybe.

My point is I know how this girl felt, I felt what she felt. Amanda Todd deserved a life outside of the heartache that she knew, and that she grew up to know. Amanda didn't have a chance to feel anything other than pain because people would never let her forget. Every time that I hear of a teenager killing themselves due to bullying it makes me feel like I could have saved them because I was saved. R.I.P Amanda Todd. From what I have read you truly were loved, and are missed.





For anyone affected by bullies. I leave you with this. It always helped me.

"Simon"
By: Lifehouse

Catch your breath,
Hit the wall,
Scream out loud,
As you start to crawl
Back in your cage
The only place
Where they will
Leave you alone.
'Cause the weak will
Seek the weaker til they've broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defense;
They tore it down.

[Chorus:]
And I have felt the same as you,
I've felt the same as you,
I've felt the same.

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.

The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,
when they pushed you around?
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.

[Chorus]

Refuse to feel anything at all,
Refuse to slip,
Refuse to fall.
Can't be weak,
Can't stand still,
You watch your back 'cause no one will.
You don't know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don't believe the lies
That they have told to you. Not one word was true
you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

[Chorus]

http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/Teens/Home.aspx

The Pursuit of Happiness

Well I just turned twenty-four recently, I’m close to the quarter century mark, yea laugh it up I’m pretty sure most of you reading this are closer to a half century. Oh yea I said it! Anyways It took me a long time to get here. Lots of changes that I went through to make it here alive, some very good ones, and some not so good ones. However they all got me here, and I wouldn't change any of them for the world. Today I woke up, and I realized something, I am happy. I am really happy, and to be quite honest I can’t remember the last time I felt this way.

I finally see that, and I am accepting that I’m creating my own happiness. I no longer am waiting for something to just happen. I get up every single day with a purpose and that purpose is to just be me. To do what I want with my life and with what I have available to me. Most of my life I tried to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be, and the more that I look back at it now the more that I see everyone really just wanted me to be myself. The people that mattered anyway.

People seem to think that you have to chase happiness, that you have to find it. Much like people seem to think that you have to “find yourself”. You can’t find happiness, happiness finds you. It’s much like anything that you want, the more you seem to want it, and the more you seem to search for it,  the more it just falls away from you.  Then once you stop searching and stop digging for that ultimate “happy high” that’s when you find it, and that’s where it’s waiting for you.

I once told someone I needed to find myself to be happy. Once I find myself and figure out who I am then all my happiness will fall into place. What I didn’t understand is that you DONOT find yourself you CREATE yourself. To find something means that it was once lost. I don’t really believe that we ever “lose” ourselves. Now when I look at it I see that every human being is a blank canvas and every person is their own artist. We have the power to create who we are, to be our own Leonardo, and make our life, our own Mona Lisa Smile. Everything we do, we created, and every choice we make we decided; because at one point everything we did was exactly what we wanted.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. That our life changes so that we can learn to change, to make that adjustment, or to throw on the paint thinner and start all over. I believe that people change so that we can learn it’s okay to let go. No matter how hard it is, because if they have changed it means you also have changed. Everything in your life has a purpose, and it’s purpose is to help you create your best masterpiece of all. Yourself. 

Dreams DO Come True

I thought to myself take a deep breath. Smell the air, the fresh pine of the forest, the salt with the water. Feel the wind run its fingers through your hair; hear how it whispers in your ear, and know how it's soft touch makes you smile. Feel the fast beating of your heart, the clammy feeling in your hands, and know that this is all because you are finally here, in a place where if you're careful your dreams will come true. Look bellow at the beautiful bright lights and how they wonderfully twinkle at night. Look at the buildings so high they could almost touch the heavens. Feel the excitement In the jungle of fast paced cars and honking delivery trucks. Feel the warmth of a friendly strangers hello, and waving smile. Hear the fog horns of huge cargo ships, and imagine the calm steadiness of the sail boats. See the spotlight of the lighthouse out in the unknown depths of the brainy deep. Stand barefoot with sand between your toes, and cool water washing over your feet. Hear the waves crashing against the shores, and always remember how this feeling has only ever come a few times before.

It's the feeling you get on the very first day you've ever gone to school. That feeling in the split second of thought right before your very first kiss, and the very first time you say I love you while actually meaning it. When nervous is good. When clammy hands means changing hearts. That point when you realize that one of your biggest dreams has come true.

I never thought life would take me here this fast. To this place; and yet as I stand a top this mountain looking down bellow. I know, in my heart. This; is what I was born for. This. IS, my city.

Dream what you live; live what you dream.

Looking at where my life is and also at others around me. I constantly question if we truly ever get life right. Can people be genuine, and does happiness ever last more then a moment? Maybe as people we all have too high of standards which allows the little things to easily upset us, and people to disappoint us. I know personally I never allow people in. That my walls are high and my trust even higher. I do know that once I let you in I never want to let you go. I have learnt this past year that people cannot make me happy. I cannot rely on one person for all my happiness because when they're gone you're well... screwed. You and you alone are the soul creator for your happiness. I think as humans we let other peoples ideals and values affect us too much. Sometimes when its broken it's just broken. Then letting go is even harder.

Someone once said to me "I am a bad person; damaged goods that no one wants.: My response to this was "If you seriously see yourself that way then that's how the whole world will see you. You're not damaged; why do you think that?" It took a while for my friend to respond and finally it was said "Well I am unhappy. I don't have anyone, and I want to start my life." When I was having this conversation a few years ago; I never really knew what to say. If I was put in this situation again I would have responded with "Why do you need someone to start your life? Don't let being damaged stop you from living." We all know this and yet we allow it to affect us anyway.

It is such a common misconception that we need someone or something in our life to make us happy. Just like its a common misconception that human beings were meant to be connivers when our human biology is much closer to that of a deer than a wolf. Also when have you ever seen a monkey eat meat? I know I haven't. Anyways back to my point. As humans we are supposed to have interaction with each other on a social and physical level; but to say that one person has complete control over your happiness and well being is a complete load of crock. As humans we have something known as free will and that co-insides with each individual persons happiness.

  

It took me a long time to realize this. For a lot of my life I always relied on others for my happiness. Not taking responsibility for my actions and pretty much just going with the flow. I was what some people (now me included) would call directionless. I had no sense of direction. A trait I now despise in others. However over the past three or so odd years I have done a lot of growing up. I've become more independent and in some cases more trusting. It's always been hard for me to let people in. To open up and show them the real me. Then once I do it's even harder for me to let go. I have lost a few good friends in the past three years including a boyfriend. Every time it was like a bomb going off sending me scattered in a million pieces. I let you in and you had the audacity to do what you did to me! How could you?! After many long drawn out goodbyes (mostly on my part) I blamed them for my unhappiness when really I should have only blamed myself.

I think we tend to hold on to the past for so long that it blocks us from seeing the good that's calling our name.(Hello Hansina, yes it's me good. Right; nope a little over to the left. Too far just back to the right a bit. OK. There Hi. I'm the present; Good. Nice to meet you.) It's staring us right in the face; telling us its okay. Move on; come with me and we will be happy. Just keep moving. It shows us that we are all equal in the evil and beauty we are capable of producing. It's just a matter of what you personally choose to produce more of. If you produce more beauty, warmth, and positivity you will find happiness. Just open your eyes, and don't ignore what matters most. Always let your heart defy your logic. Remember if you are damaged than everyone else around you is damaged in there own way as well. Rise Against really did have it right when they wrote "Life for you, has been less than kind. So take a number, stand in line. We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt; but how we survive is what makes us who we are."

Never let being damaged ruin your future happiness. Learn to smile. Smile and laugh. Tell someone I love you; it will feel really good I promise. Learn to forgive; but never forget. Just let go. Have hope While having faith. Learn to trust. Make a bucket list. Cross something off said bucket list. Never regret. Give up. Lose yourself. Find your way back. Give someone a chance. Say yes. Cry. Dance. Be happy. Become the person you want to be. Don't stop dreaming; because there is nothing wrong with wanting more. Chase the rain. Be strong. Fight your fears. Time machines don't exist. Learn to walk away. Learn that sometimes; you can only blame yourself. Don't waist another second. Do what you love to do. Also always remember. Discover the person you are; before you find the person you need to be with. Live, live, live. From this day forward my dreams start now; and everyday will be the most important day. Dream what you live; live what you dream.

I am an Honorarian

Okay some of you know I have been having some pretty weird dreams; well actually nightmares lately. The last one I had was a few days ago and lets just say it scared me so much that when I awoke at five AM I couldn’t fall back to sleep till around eight AM. Don’t you hate those nightmares that feel so real when you wake up it is almost as if you experienced it in real life? Well this one was one of those “reality” nightmares.

In My dream my sister and I were going over to our friends place when we got there we go to our rooms set up for the night and then retired to the living room for the evening. Everyone decided that we were going to watch a horror movie. (This movie was not one that exists in real life or that I have ever even thought of writing a screen play for.) When I heard that we were watching this movie I got this overwhelming scared feeling in my stomach. For whatever reason I could not believe that we were going to be watching this movie. As the movie began I sat on the couch with my hands over my eyes. Then for whatever reason curiosity got the best of me and I decided that I would look at the screen. As I am taking my hands off my eyes I am jolted in to the movie, and I am standing outside a bedroom door. I see this boy (who is the main character in the movie) get thrown against the wall by some unknown force. These two long screws come out of the wall through the back of this boys head and out through his eyes. They start spinning around as if they were attached to a drill gun; which sends blood flying everywhere. Next thing I see this happen to his mom. His mom is also thrown against the wall and screws start coming out into various places of her body including her eyes. The screws start spinning around and now I am splattered with their blood. All of a sudden I am in a classroom. I look around and I see the boy from the movie sitting in the desk next to me. I go to say something then everyone’s head is shaking form side to side at hyper speed which makes their faces all blurry then I can’t recognize anyone. The heads all stop at the same time and they are all “looking” at me; but yet all of their faces are still blurry. I notice that they all have this symbol in what appears to be blood written on their forehead (see picture below) Then I am back in my friends living room with my sister who is crying. She looks at me and says “Something is really wrong; I am sleeping with you tonight.” Then my friend’s dog comes trotting over to me happy as can be licks my hand, and I pet her. Then I wake up.

Can you see why I didn’t go back to sleep for hours? When I awoke I was so terrified and curious as to why my subconscious would cause me to have such a screwed up dream. What was this about, and what on earth would posses me to have this horrifying nightmare. Since I couldn’t go back to sleep I had this sense of curiosity that I needed to know more about my dream, and now. So I grabbed my computer went to dreammoods.com and went to look up important things about my dream. Here is what I found out.

Now when you interpret your dream you have to pick out the most important things that seem to stick out to you more so than anything else. So for me that would be:

·        Being in the movie

·        Extremely scared

·        Bleeding eyes

·        Blood

·        Faceless people

·        The symbol

·        My sister

·        The dog

Movie: To dream you are apart of a movie foretells that something form your unconscious is about to emerge or be revealed. Alternatively the dream may be pointing you towards a new life role. And your unconscious is preparing you for this role.

Scared: Indicates you are experiencing feelings of self doubt, incompetence, and lack of control in your waking life. Maybe having second thoughts about a decision you have made.

Bleeding Eyes: Symbolizes the sacrifices you have made and the difficulties you have endured. Alternatively the dream signifies some very deep internal conflict with in your soul.

Blood: Represents life, love, passion, and as well as disappointments. If something is written in blood then it represents the energy you have put into something. You have invested so much time and effort into something you are not willing to give up on. If others are bleeding it signifies an emotional cry for help.

Faceless: To see faceless people indicates that you are still searching for your own identity and finding out who you are.

The Symbol: Is the symbol of “Honorarianism” is two circles or rings locked together symbolizing the eternal link between life and death. One ring lies flat and the other is rotated 90 degrees so that it resembles a flat line.

Sister: Symbolizes some aspect of your relationship with her whether one of rivalry, nurturance, protectiveness, etc. Alternatively your sister could be a metaphor for a nun. In this case; she may represent some spiritual issues

Dog: Symbolizes loyalty, intuition, generosity, protection, and fidelity. Suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to move forward and bring success to yourself.

After I had found all of these definitions I still needed to figure out what that symbol meant. Thank goodness for Google. Okay so I go to Google and type in; “circle symbol with a line coming from the center outwards.” I click on images and find the picture of the symbol that I have already posted above. Now remember I have NEVER seen this symbol in my entire life before this dream; I swear. After I click on the image I am taken to this site called The Church of Honor. A blog dedicated to spreading the word of a new religion called “Honorarianism.” Also known as the Church of Honor.

I start thinking to myself okay this is pretty freaky. I have never seen this symbol before in my entire life and now it means some religious type bull that I probably do not even believe in. Not to mention how my dream is now making me think of some creepy stigmata crap; only thank goodness when I awoke I wasn’t blind with bleeding eyeballs. *Shudders* the whole stigmata hand scene was enough reality for me thanks. I still get shivers thinking about it. Even though I think this will be completely irrelevant to me I continue to read on; the whole time asking the question what the heck does my unconscious mind want me to know about this? This is what I read next:

The 5 pillars of “Honorarianism” are:

1. Strive to respect, honor and celebrate life.
2. Strive to take good care of your mind and body.
3. Strive to take good care of others.
4. Strive to be humble and to remain calm.
5. Strive to admit to and learn from your mistakes and to be responsible for your problems.

After reading this I was like, huh? These are things that I have been trying to live by and work towards improving on for the benefit of my life for a while now. However what do they have to do with this so called new found religion, and one that I have NEVER heard of before? So I continue to read and find out that this not a registered religion but rather more so of a belief/spirituality system. Plus it is everything I have ever thought about religion but could never really explain to anyone. Here are some examples.

What is a Honorarianist?

An “Honorarian” or “Honorarianist” is someone who believes in and lives by the principles (The five Pillars) of “Honorarianism”. An “Honorarian” agrees to strive to honor life through respect and celebration.

God?

Honorarian’s view God as an asexual being composed of divine light that has existed since the dawn of time.

Is God Good or Evil?

The concepts of good and evil, morality, ethics, etc are human concepts and cannot be applied to God. “Honorarians” believe in the existence of God but do not characterize it as good or evil. God just is.

Did God Create The Earth? Can God intervene In Worldly Affairs?

Yes, God created the earth, the universe and everything that has does or ever will exist. God IS the universe and thus created itself. Yes, everything that happens is God’s will.

What is Honorarianism’s attitude toward Darwinism?

Honorarians believe in evolution.

What happens when we die? Do you believe in eternal life?

When living beings such as humans die they cease to live; but they do not cease to exist. Existence after death is impossible for a living human to comprehend since it is so different. “Honorarians” believe in eternal existence, not eternal life. Humans exist both before birth and after death.

Do Honorarians believe in the concepts of heaven and hell?

No. The concepts of heaven and/or hell would require a life after death and a bodily existence like the one we have to day. “Honorarians” believe in existence after death, not life. Because of this the concepts of heaven and hell become meaningless to us.

Is Honorarianism monotheistic?

Yes. Since God is everything, everywhere, always. On the other hand “Honorarianism” recognizes the need for human beings to worship the perceived manifestations of God in different ways. “Honorarianism” does not have a God of Love, God of War, etc. There is only one God no matter how you choose to worship it.

Ok, so I’m an Honorarian. Do I have to give up my old religion?

Absolutely not: Honorarianism is an open, inclusive religion. For example, you can choose to be both an Honorarian and a Muslim at the same time. Honorarianism does not dictate how you choose to worship God.

Do you believe in Jesus? Allah? Buddha?

No, Jesus is a Christian concept. He may or may not have existed but we do not recognize him as our savior. For that matter we don’t recognize anyone as a savior since we believe in individual responsibility. Regarding Allah, Buddha and other deities or prophets, we recognize that they may or may not have existed and that they have promoted very many important concepts, but we do not regard them as part of our pantheon.

Does the concept of sin exist in Honorarianism? Who decides what is right or wrong? Is God’s word law?

No, we do not believe in the concept of sin. However, we do believe that breaking the law should have consequences. People decide what is right or wrong. Different cultures have different views on the subjects of morality and ethics and these change over time. We do not believe that one absolute, unchangeable truth has been communicated to us by God. We do not believe there is such a thing as God’s word. By following the 5 pillars of Honorarianism we believe that people will do what is “right”.

If you are not Christians, why do you call it the “Church” of honor?

For an “Honorarian” a “church” is just a meeting hall or gathering place. It can be either indoors or outdoors. Someone’s home, a town hall, a hay field, a Christian church or a Muslim mosque, all of these places could be considered “churches” by “Honorarians”.

The place is irrelevant. The important thing is that people gather together to respect, honor and celebrate life.

Wow this turned out to be a rather long one. I just felt like it was something I need to share with people. Not that I expect anyone to follow this at all; to me it is just rather interesting how my unconscious mind informed me through this symbol even though I haven’t seen it anywhere ever before. As a lot of you know I have been doing a lot of soul searching and finding out about my personality in the past year. One of my biggest things for my personality type (INFP) is that we need some sort of strong faith in order to feel complete as people, and in order to push us to achieve what we want out of life. Moving to Vancouver has been very stressful for me. I mean I went from supporting myself, having my own place, and being extremely independent. To living at my families place and being co-dependent on someone once again; even for just a short while. So many big changes happened and all of them so fast. I truly think that my subconscious wanted to give me something to have strong faith in with out damaging my already strong value system. It did that through a pretty freaky ass dream but none the less I am thankful for it. Now I have a system I can have faith in that actually makes sense and will allow me to be who I want to be, and what I want to do in my life.